Thursday, February 12, 2009

Wednesday started on such a happy note, then gradually my mood started sliding downhill and the lower it got, the more precipitously it dropped. By the time I got home from the choir dinner last night, I was feeling really sorry for myself, one of those times I wanted and desperately needed to cry, but couldn't.... just didn't have that safe daddy shoulder that lets me turn loose of the tears. I wish I were not wired like this, and I'm working hard to get certain parts rewired, but for now, that's how my crying mechanism works.

It's not healthy for women to depend on a father figure like I do. Unfortunately, I was set up for this, to a certain extent, by my own father, whom I loved dearly and depended on far more than I should have. Maybe it's a generational thing. Men once believed that women couldn't make it without the help of a man, and some men still believe that, probably because there are so many of us dependent women out here who rely on them when we could be and should be relying on our own inner strength.

I'm convinced that it's one of the lessons I'm supposed to be learning throughout this ordeal with Mike. None of the safe father figures that I've relied on in the past are easily available to me right now. Truth is, they're probably all tired of listening to me whine. Heck! I'm tired of hearing myself whine.

Okay, what would my favorite daddy say about this pity party I'm having? "Get off your butt and go workout at the gym!" Now that wasn't so hard.

I'll be back from the Y in about an hour.

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