First, is the issue of dealing with Mike's bad moods and temper tantrums. For those of you who have expressed concern, I want you to know that I'm OK, and I really appreciate your concern. It's only when I'm very tired or very stressed that I have difficulty with them. Keeping our routine simple and taking naps help me. Mike usually regrets his rudeness and lack of control after it's over, and much of it is due to the IEED
(Involuntary Emotional Expression Disorder) that came with the stroke. Therefore, most of the time, I don't take his outbursts personally. I put distance between him and me and let him blow off steam. He soon cools down and apologizes.He scared Clay and Cooper on Saturday morning, so I did what I had to do to protect them. On Sunday he apologized to them. It's the old Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde dilemma I grew up with. The pendulum swings to the other end of his emotional range with amazing regularity. At 9:30 he sounded like a real jerk, but by 10:00 he was weeping to the words of Hall and Oates' I'll Do It for Love.
I would fly ten thousand miles
In the pouring rain
Just to see your face
I'd bare my soul to a total stranger
Just to say your name
And I'm not ashamed
Just to love you into every morning
I would change my name
And run away
I won't do it for money
I won't do it for pride
I won't do it to please somebody else
If it don't feel right
But I'll do it for you
And at least I'll try
I don't need any other reason
Than I feel it deep inside
I'll Do It For Love
I would write your name across the sky
So the world could see
What you mean to me
I'd sing songs at the top of my voice
In an empty room
Just to dance with you
And to love you into every morning
I'll leave the world behind
And I'll slow down time
I won't do it for money
I won't do it for pride
I won't do it to please somebody else
If it don't feel right
But I'll do it for you
And at least I'll try
I don't need any other reason
Than I feel it deep inside
I'll Do It For Love
What I do for love can take us anywhere at all.
The other thing is that I need your prayers and emotional support. I have come awfully close to doing bodily harm to the poor man when I'm tired and stressed and just don't feel like I can take any more of his foul mouth and bad humor. When we were in Illinois, I threatened to beat him with his own cane if he didn't STFU!
Traveling to strange places and trying to find something in the dark make him very anxious. He got belligerant and started browbeating me while I was looking for our motel. By the time we arrived at our destination, I told him he could spend the night in the car, or get another room, but I didn't want to see or hear any more from him until the next morning, and if he followed me and harrassed me, I would beat him black and blue. It's the closest I've come to criminal behavior. It scared him and me.
Fortunately, my blowing off steam relieved a lot of the pressure I felt. Within about 5 minutes, we were relating to one another in civil terms. We shared the room and I fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow. I was exhausted, having used every ounce of restraint I could muster not to commit murder and mayhem. And I didn't have to spend Thanksgiving in jail.
Being trapped in the car and not able to put distance between him and me when he goes into a tirade is not something I want to repeat. After that experience in IL, I promised myself it was the last trip I will make with him. He never was a good traveling companion even before the stroke, and now it's worse.
I appreciate the invitations to visit, but I'll be better off in the long run, just hanging around here and keeping things as simple as possible. I hope you all understand. Sending your love and prayers in this direction help me more than anything. I've come to see those hits to this blog as friendly folk checking in to make sure I'm ok. They mean a lot to me. Thank you.More classical guitar with Ave Maria... Whose spirit would not be calmed and comforted with that?
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