Monday, October 30, 2006

Since the home of my childhood comes up so often in my dreams, and since George's recent picture of that house looked so dreary, I thought I would post this watercolor that I painted back in '96 to show the younger generation what it looked like in the 50's when we lived there. I based this on a b&w photo made from Cecil's driveway. The colors were filled in from memory, and I artistically deleted the telephone pole and lines. No, it wasn't beautiful by today's standards, but it looked a lot better than it does now. Daddy did his best to beautify the yard with roses, day lilies, wisteria, etc. The oak tree in front of my bedroom windows was cut down by Brooks Lindsey. I cried the day he did it.

My most recent vivid dream about this place was Saturday morning. Deedo was in the tiny kitchen of this house turning out huge amounts of party food. How she managed to make so much with so little still amazes me. Anyway, there was a party going on with a house full of people. I was the age I am now and I was surrounded by more friends than I ever hoped to have. There were Plantersville friends, Tupelo friends, Jackson friends, cousins, children, grandchildren - people everywhere! The wine was flowing and the music and laughter meant all were having a good time. The doors and windows were open with a cool breeze lifting thin white Priscillas in a flutter. Somebody called out, "Richard is here." I went to the front door and found a jealous teen-ager who wanted me to leave the party because I was having too much fun. I laughed and tried to get him to come in. He turned and left in a huff. For some reason, I ran out after him, not wanting him to be mad with me. I called to him, but he kept walking. Then I woke up.

And I felt really sad. To know how much of the good times he missed still makes me sad. It's a recurring theme in my dreams - trying to get him involved in the things I enjoyed, and to enjoy them with me. "Unequally yoked," Daddy called it, a phrase I came to detest. To hear him tell it, all my marriages were that way. Would any partner I cared about ever have been considered an "equal yoking"? I doubt it. He was a wonderful person in many ways, but sometimes I wonder if I weren't set up to be eternally dissatisfied.

A similar attempt to squelch my free spirit occurred this morning with Mike. I guess that's what reminded me of all this. The disadvantage of the new time is that we have an additional hour together before he leaves for the gym. That's enough time for him to interfere in the routine I have with the dogs, when I leave the back door open and let them out for as long as they want to stay out. (They don't understand all this clock stuff.) It's usually no more than 30 minutes, or so, then they come in for a nap. Mike is comfortable with this for about 5 minutes, then he wants me to go find them. My comfort with the fearful, anxious, and insecure is even shorter, so fireworks erupt. Ah me, those words of my father haunt me once again.

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