Thursday, April 13, 2006

When Mike retires at 6pm everynight, I momentarily feel abandoned. It's been his habit ever since his stroke. The dogs enjoy the routine, they're ready to get their 12 hours of sleep. Sometimes I lie down with them until they're both asleep. We usually watch Law and Order from 6-7, then I get up for another 4 or 5 hours of various other things, mostly playing Scrabble, reading, watching HGTV, doing laundry, washing dishes, then I get out the snacks and the wine and overindulge. It's become a bad habit, unhealthy to mind and body. It does seem to alleviate the loneliness I feel, however.

In one of the 12-step recovery books I've got around here, I read that excess weight is a symptom of unmet emotional needs. If that's true, we must have an epidemic of unmet emotional needs, especially in Mississippi. I pooh-poohed the idea, at first, then began to notice that the fat people around me were very "needy" people, or like my mother, in total denial of any needs. At the time, I was not fat, and I judged fat people harshly, but that has changed. Now I weigh 50 pounds more than I should.

And I am depressed. Which came first, overeating or depression? Am I depressed because I overeat and can't control it, or do I overeat because I'm depressed? Taking Zoloft 100 mg/day has helped me to muddle through the day in a mostly normal manner. The sadness and disappointments don't overwhelm me like they did before. My willpower seems to be paralyzed, at times. I see what needs to be done, I know I should make better choices, but I don't care.

Maybe if I were journaling in the p.m. instead of the a.m., it would help me stay out of the fridge. Then my mornings could be used more productively. I haven't felt good this week, at all. I've had headaches and backaches, maybe from the fall, probably should have gone to the doctor.

My pets have been a big help to me, nobody loves me so unconditionally. One of the things I do after Mike and the dogs go to bed is play with Mick. He's such a mischievous little kitten, and loves to be petted. I hate having to shut him out of the room when I go to bed, he wants so badly to follow me in and would sleep in the bed beside me if it weren't for the dogs. But he doesn't sleep all night like they do, cats prefer to sleep in the daytime and play at night, so that wouldn't work.

I called Betsy's to see if Laura and Sara are coming. Richard said they are flying in tomorrow night. When I asked where they're staying, he said in a motel somewhere, so readying the guest beds for company will not be necessary. I'm somewhat relieved they're not planning to stay here. I'm not in the mood for company. With Maundy Thursday, Good Friday, Easter Vigil, and Easter morning services at the church, I'll be doing good to just show up.

I've got to do something about this headache.

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