Tuesday, October 16, 2007

What has made me so lethargic for the past couple of days? I can't seem to do anything but yawn and crave sleep. I've been sleeping good at night, so I don't think it's because I've missed sleep, I just seem to need more than I normally do.

The only thing I've done out of the ordinary is strenuous water aerobics, but that's supposed to make one more energetic, not less. I don't think I'm more depressed than I usually am, and this summer I was not very depressed at all, but I was getting more sunshine when we were using the outdoor pool, and I think that really helped with the depression. This week, I'm totally lacking in energy and motivation to do much of anything. Maybe the introvert in me just needs a couple of pajama days, or I'm in desperate need of a vacation. Thanks to Ricky and Mary Ann, I have one scheduled for the first week in November.

I came real close to crying this morning when Mike snarled at me in answer to a simple question I asked. He can be so suddenly and totally nasty sometimes that today it caught me off guard, and I immediately wanted to go back to bed, curl up in a fetal position, and cry myself back to sleep, but I didn't. It only took him about 5 minutes to realize how uncivil he'd been and he apologized. I had not even had my second cup of coffee, but I felt defeated before my day had begun. He's had better control of his temper lately, as long as he takes the time to think about his reactions, but his natural tendency is to snap and snarl, so without thinking, that's what he did. I read an article yesterday about caregivers of disabled and critically ill patients having the highest rate of depression. I know why.

The tests he had yesterday showed he still has blockage in his right carotid artery, but no more than was there after he came home from the hospital in '04 after his stroke. The doctor has not talked to him yet, but the nurse didn't think the fainting spells were caused by the blockage, but by a drop in blood pressure.

I've made the decision to sell the Plantersville property. Realizing that the last tangible tie I have to the place I've called "my hometown" for 55 of my 60 years is about to be severed has made me incredibly sad. I feel like my escape hatch is closing. Maybe that's what is pulling my spirits down and sapping my energy.

Jean is planning a brunch for Saturday, and has invited me. I did a very impulsive thing yesterday by inviting her and Pam to eat lunch here, and I had not made the least effort toward cleaning or straightening my messy house. I made them promise not to talk bad about me after they left. I had made several sandwiches for Mike to have for lunch this week, he gets home earlier from his work-out than I do, but I forgot to tell him, so they came and we ate sandwiches, salad, and chips. I was embarrassed by how shabby my house is compared to theirs, but it is what it is. Maybe it won't be long before I can make the much needed repairs and improvements.

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