We started choir rehearsal again last night after two months of having Weds. nights off. It's always been two of my favorite hours of every week and I've missed it. I added a third hour to the routine last night, eating dinner at the Lacy's afterward, and thoroughly enjoyed it. Why I've deprived myself of that pleasure for so long is incredibly tragic.
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I had to set a firm boundary with Mike, telling him not to sit up waiting on me to come home. I'm not a teenager with a curfew, I said, and I don't want to be treated like one. To please him, I heretofore have been coming home and skipping the choir dinners, so he could go to bed and not worry about me. Codependent to the core! Resentful and depressed, too.
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Something has happened to the depression, though, and I've been happier this summer than I've been in a long time. Has the Zoloft finally kicked in? The sunshine and pool time? What? It's like the Eeyore cloud has finally left me. I've got more energy and a much brighter outlook on life. Actually wanting to socialize more is an about face for me.
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Maybe it's just realizing that I've catered to my stroke patient long enough. He can be demanding, controlling, even manipulative, and the more I give in to that, the worse he gets. I've got to live my own life and quit thinking of myself as a trapped 24-7 caregiver. I've given him the freedom to go and do exactly what he wants to do, no questions asked, no nagging, no restrictions, and he will afford me the same courtesy, whether he wants to or not.
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I made this declaration of independence to a few friends last night and got nothing but positive feedback and encouragement, something else that helped me feel really good about the new direction I'm taking. If any in my small group of readers notices any whining or self-pity, please call me on it. I want Eeyore to take his cloud back and keep it!