Friday, May 05, 2006

There is a terrifying vulnerability that comes with thinking out loud, as I’ve done on this blog. It’s why I’ve kept it in a private status, rather than a public one. Benji, Ricky, Mike, Skip, and Betsy were initially invited to access it, since they were mentioned in it. Benji was the most interested, Betsy and Skip read it every once in a while, Ricky said it’s too opinionated, and Mike never opened it. Then I invited my friend Ben to view it, and immediately regretted it. I did the same with George Kelly. Who really wants to wander through the vast wasteland of my mind?

As much as I claim a desire to be transparent, there is a terrible price to pay for throwing the doors and windows open. Until I did this, I thought it didn’t much matter to me whether anyone agreed with me, approved, appreciated, admired me, but I’ve found out it matters a great deal. I guess we never outgrow that. I’ve also found out that critical censure, dubious skepticism, outright disapproval and rejection can be tolerated and accepted. Some days, when I’m tired and blue, it bothers me. I listen, I learn, I move on.

John Lee says in Writing from the Body: For Writers, Artists, and Dreamers Who Long to Free Your Voice, If we are to answer this call [to create], we have to feel every part of our lives - the grammar of the gut, the syntax of the sinews, the language of the legs. This undertaking means facing the Eight Great Fears - the fear
  1. of being left alone
  2. of offending
  3. of revealing yourself
  4. of your shadow
  5. of the mud and the blood
  6. of success
  7. of failure
  8. of trust.

George told me something the other day that made a lasting impression on me. His father died when he was only 2 yrs old, he has no memories of him. “When my family talked about my Dad, he was never a flesh and blood being, but Cecil told me about him warts and all.”

That, I believe, is important. I’m not proud of my warts, and I would certainly not expect anyone to admire them, but they are a part of who I am. Being introverted as I am, I don’t get much exposure to a lot of people. I don’t want a lot of exposure. But I also don’t want to leave behind a blank canvas for someone else to call Cathy. The thoughts, opinions, and memories that are recorded here are an expression of who I am. It’s the picture I’m painting until my artistic muse puts a paintbrush back in my hand.

Maybe I will get to the point where my father was when he made his last public statement in the Baptist church at Plantersville. The occasion was the 125th (?) church anniversary celebration, with him and a couple of other former pastors attending. Feebly, he mounted the platform to speak at the microphone. “There’s a lot I could say today, and a lot I probably should say today. So whatever you think I ought to say, just pretend I said it, and we’ll all be happy.”

Thankfully, I’m not there, yet.

1 comment:

Zoilus said...

I think your blog is great, even if you don't write me as much as I'd like (Hell, I don't write you as often as I'd like, either, so I guess that let's us both off the hook). At least I can take a peek inside your mind and respond if I feel like it (even if you still have to "approve" of my response, based on my first loose cannon invective).

Anyway, I think you're in a rut and it's one that you need to do something about (IMHO). I know that you have a great deal to contend with (Mike and Jack are two inestimable loads, each with their own special kind of weight), not to mention your grieving of a parent who was never the sort of mother you yearned for (at least she never had Si's temper). So cut yourself some slack but also DO SOMETHING to shake yourself out of the doldrums! We have this great teevee show here where people are evaluated for their physical age and it really snaps people out of their stupor in order to make some changes. One guy lost three stone (42 pounds) in eight weeks! Just by a little exercise, no drinking (which slows down your metabolism) and eating the right foods in smaller doses throughout the day. He also put 18 years back on his biological clock, just by knuckling down for eight weeks. Also use Si and Jack as instructive tales: do you want to wind up confined to a wheelchair? Or disabled by a stroke? If you get cracking, then YOU have the power to CHANGE your own physical health. You just have to stop passing the buck and making excuses!

Okay! Enough lecturing. I love you and hope you're well. I'm getting lots of good comments about the Pip Haircut video. Funny because I spent less time on it than any other one that I've done. Must be because he was the subject (and I've finally learned how to film somewhat).

Love you,

Benji