I’ve been feeling very self-conscious since sending Ben the link to my blog. I could barely face him yesterday, I was so uncomfortable and embarrassed. I sent him a request this morning for a rate quote on changing our reservation from Shannon to Dublin, plus an apology for imposing my thoughts on him uninvited. So much of what I write is like dumping garbage. It clears my mind to be able to function in as nearly normal a manner as I can muster. To know and be known is a basic human need, but knowing who to share with and who not to share with has always been a problem for me. The weak boundaries of a co-dependant, Melody Beattie would call it. Maybe it's just poor impulse control due to ADD, or could it have been one glass of wine too many?

Being the kind-hearted person he is, Ben just wrote me back and consoled me. He says we have a lot in common. He reminds me a lot of David Frederick, whom I’ve missed very much since his father and I divorced. It’s hard to believe he will be 43 next month. Randy turns 40 this week. Wonder how he and Bridgett are getting along. They have 4 boys, last I heard, and were living close to Memphis, somewhere like Southhaven, or Olive Branch, maybe. I guess David is still in Huntsville, that’s where the last Christmas card came from in ‘04. When I didn’t get one in ‘05, I wondered if he’d moved, but Carla didn’t mention it in hers.

I just stuck a roofing nail in my foot and it hurts like hell. Wonder how long it’s been since I had a tetanus shot.

Ben also told me it would cost $250 to change our flight plans. I’d rather just take the bus, and spend that money on something else. I really wish Benji and I had worked all this out on the front end, but it will work ok like this and I refuse to worry about it. Pat had probably rather ride the bus, too. She seems a sensible, practical sort of person.

Mike is at the gym. He refuses to discuss the trip week, what he will do, how he will cope. The co-dependant meditation was about acceptance this morning, and rather than read it like he normally does, after I finish the Bible readings, he read a couple of paragraphs and shut the book. It was hitting too close to home, I believe. I offered to attend his meeting tonight with Dr. Irby to discuss his feelings and his options. They may know of resources that we haven’t considered. I think he could do it all himself if he would just make up his mind to do it. It wasn’t easy to get him to undress himself and do the shower by himself. He fussed and cussed and belly-ached for days when I refused to do it for him. Now it’s pretty much routine. But he still expects me to help with the drying and the dressing when he’s through.

He thinks I’m being unreasonable to think that one accomplishment should lead to another. I told him that the next time he gets in the shower, I’m taking the dogs for a long walk, and he can sit there and have one of his fits if he wants to, but nobody but the cat will hear him. He turned pale with panic. “I’m enabling you to be disabled,” I told him, “and I have to stop.” “But I can’t dry myself, and you know it,” he shouted. “Well, if you sit there long enough, the water will evaporate,” I replied. I knew this would not be easy.

I also talked to Terri about the accident with the Jag and told her to keep it between us. What Mike doesn’t know about this will not hurt him. She’s also going to correct the error on the last payment. Rather than renewing both policies for 3 months, they renewed the policy on my Buick for 6 months and sent me a refund of $19.62. Mike’s policy has expired. She says they’re changing the system to put both cars on one policy, so this should be the last time for this mistake. I just hope my premiums don’t go up.