I managed a morning of housecleaning without breaking anything, turned over my Dr. Pepper, only accident I had. I do love a clean house, I'd just rather pay someone else to do it. The only luxury I ever really wanted was maid service, no big house or fancy car, keep the diamonds, the cruises, the country club, just let me have someone else clean my house. And if I have to do it myself, I'd rather have a small house that is low maintenance. Daddy said I was lazy, maybe so, but I hate housework, always have, always will. So did my mother. I don't want to let my house go to the extent she did, hers didn't get cleaned again after the cleaning I gave it when Daddy died, and she lived there another two and a half years. No wonder she stayed away from it as much as she did. My house is comfortable for the six who live here. When I get the deck and garage clean, I'll say spring cleaning is done.

I have a list of handyman repairs that need to be made. Mike's friend Ron says he will come over and help me one day soon. He seems such a restless soul, drinking too much, gambling too much, always on the lookout for something better than what he's got, never satisfied. He envies Mike, he says, who has satisfaction. Ron inherited a lot of money when his father died, over a million, Mike said, but you'd never know it to look at him. He looks like a bum and complains about the price of everything except beer and cigarettes. They went out earlier this morning for a ride around the lake before he takes his RV back to Terry. Then they were going to Logan's for lunch.

Benji has sent elaborate plans for my vacation, much more running than I imagined we'd be doing. I may have made a mistake in planning this trip. I still feel very guilty about abandoning Mike, who simply cannot fend for himself and who knows nothing yet of my plans, and I feel guilty for spending money we can't afford. For the price of the plane tickets alone, I could rent that house in Asheville for a week and have everybody together like we did in '04. What was I thinking? And now Pat has made plans to go with me.

I've painted myself into a corner. I can't go with a clear conscience, and I can't stay here without disappointing several people. What to do, what to do? No matter which choice I make, somebody is going to be very angry with me. I can't go over there and be a wet blanket, a party-pooper, a cheapskate. I can't stay here and not regret it. Until I feel more peaceful about this, I'll be torn.

The very idea of defying Mike has made me feel more tender toward him. We have had an unusually pleasant week together, no tantrums since he found out the commission check was his to keep. I had to remind him a couple of times to use a civil tone when talking to me, but other than that he's been considerate and calm.

Emotionally, he is still fragile, mostly because of Bonnie, which truly is a sad situation. When I see how vulnerable he is where she is concerned, I can't help but think that he is not strong enough to withstand another wounding. I'm not convinced he is strong enough to deal with my being away for 8 days. Unless he tells me he can make it without me and gives his blessing to these plans, I cannot justify the pain I will cause him. Maybe I should go with him to see Dr. Irby on Monday, have a joint session, talk through all the details with an objective 3rd party.

Pat just emailed wanting to know what I want to do. I wish I knew!