Ms. Sippi

2011-06-06T13:15:00.001-05:00

Today I'm dressed in a muumuu, a roomy old dress I've owned for years and still enjoy. I go thru spells of resisting its comfort. "Women who wear muumuus have given up on trying to keep their slender figure." I used to hear that from women who still fought it; I've said it myself during times when I so wanted to regain the slimness I enjoyed in my youth. Today I'm quite comfortable with the way my 64 year old body looks.

In 2008, I took Adderall and lost 35 pounds. Within the last couple of years, I've regained most of it. What can I say? I enjoy eating, healthy food, junk food, any food. My appetite is more predominant than my will to exercise. I wish those preferences were the other way around, but they are what they are. The amphetamine I took is the only thing that has ever reversed it, and my doctor refuses to prescribe it again, convinced I was using it more for weight loss than ADD. It did seem to be more effective in curbing my appetite than in helping my concentration. And I did seem to be more energetic and enjoyed exercise more.

I did not realize then what I've learned recently that using Adderall as a diet pill reached epidemic proportions in 2008, mostly among much younger women who wanted to go from a size 8 to a size 4. No wonder doctors grew super-cautious about handing out the Rx, but I was a 61 year old grandmother! My oldest grandson was taking the drug for his ADHD, and I heard him and his parents talk about how he was never hungry. To me, it sounded like a miracle drug.

I even suspected that he inherited his predisposition for ADHD from me. I've had symptoms of attention deficit disorder since long before it was identified as a medical condition. None of my teachers in school thought I performed to my potential. The nice ones labelled me an underachiever; the not-so-nice ones called me lazy. So passing the screening test for the condition was a breeze. I answered all the questions honestly and was diagnosed with ADD. The prescription was issued with blood pressure monitored closely and monthly doctor visits required. And the weight came off, about 3 or 4 lbs monthly, a safe pace, and when I got back into size 8 jeans for the first time in 20 years, I was ecstatic.

Without the amphetamine, however, the appetite returned. Thankfully, it's taken longer to put the excess weight back on than to take it off. But it's baaaaack! And today I've chosen to camouflage it with yards of tropical fabric. Once again, Gramma loooooooooves her muumuu!

3 hrs. later. I wore the muumuu to Kroger and a nice looking old hippy with a gray ponytail told me he loved the dress I was wearing. "It looks very cool and comfortable," he said. I thanked him.

2011-06-03T10:49:00.001-05:00

Mike just left to 1) fill the gas tank in the Dodge, 2) deposit a rent check, 3) pick up prescriptions at CVS, and 4) go to The Club at St. D for his work-out, and 5) get lunch at the nearby Subway. I'm at home with my feet propped up on the ottoman, the TV off, the AC on, and dogs asleep. That may not sound unusual in your house, but it's been 2 years, 5 months, and 13 days since I could do this. I have soooooo looked forward to this day.

I've been extremely nervous about turning the car keys over to him since his 12/21/08 accident, which severely damaged the vision in his left eye, affected his reflexes and coordination, and did further damage to a brain already injured by a 2004 stroke. But he has worked hard with physical therapy and occupational therapy to regain some of the functionality he lost. After he passed a vision test by his ophthalmologist and a thorough 4 hour driving test by Methodist Rehab, however, I realized my days as his chauffeur and personal assistant were coming to an end. His neuro-psychologist doesn't think his alcoholism will return because the part of his brain which houses cravings and habits of that sort was knocked out by his fall.

So he's on the road again, behind the wheel of a vehicle that could kill him and others if not driven safely. After the evaluation at Methodist Rehab, I had to ride with him for two weeks to make sure he was doing everything safely. What a test of faith that was! We encountered two situations that were potentially dangerous. I worried about his ability to merge into traffic on the left, but he turned his body around to check oncoming traffic with both eyes. Very good, I thought and sighed with relief. Then, in making a right turn one day, he swung too wide and was totally unaware of a woman coming from the opposite direction turning left, also swinging too wide. I shrieked, he jammed on the brakes, so did she, they narrowly missed a collision, and he admitted he had not seen her. Since then, he has been very careful to look in all directions before turning and doesn't take nearly so wide a turn. He still has trouble judging distances between the front of his car and whatever is in front of him, but he errs on the side of caution.

I cannot describe how free I feel having an uninterrupted day to do what I want to do and not having to worry about accommodating him. Please pray that he drives safely and does not injure himself or others. He is a licensed driver with insurance and a fierce will to be as independent as possible. And I'm all for it.

We've come a long way, Baby!

2011-03-20T09:11:00.000-05:00

So the Man in the Moon was bragging last night about how much bigger he was than he normally is. Somehow this sounds familiar. I really couldn't tell much difference, could you? Big, bright, and beautiful in a cloudless sky, but no magic, at least, not in my little corner of the world.

I got a call from my neighbor at 8:31 demanding to know why Obama is going to war with Libya. He leans right in his politics and I lean left, so needless to say, we have had heated exchanges about who's smart and who's dumb. He keeps asking me to name 5 things Bush did wrong and I've given him a long list of mistakes Bush made. Yesterday he told me to write them down. Since he's the one who keeps forgetting, I told him to write them down, not a form of neighborliness I would recommend, but somehow we have maintained a friendship that has many twists and turns.

Just proves what G.K. Chesterton said: We make our friends, we make our enemies, but God makes our next door neighbor. Maybe for some higher purpose, I was planted in the house next door to this fundamentalist Pentecostal Republican. I thought it was to drag him kicking and screaming into the 21st century. Now I'm beginning to think I should just leave him where he is to evolve in his own good time. Or not.

2011-03-19T13:28:00.002-05:00

It is so incredibly peaceful at Benji's house, I'm wishing again that I could stay longer. Seeing my hometown come alive in the springtime sparks a rebirth in me that softens and opens my heart to the possibilities of beauty and love and growth. I may drive the Trace going home to prolong my enjoyment of Spring's greening.

My 6 year old grandson is playing a gardening video game in the next room. Listening to him make up the dialogue as he plays does this grandmother's heart as much good as the blooming of the daffodils and Japanese Magnolia outside the picture window. His speech delay is slowly, but surely, correcting itself. He initiates strings of sentences that I can finally understand, so I can lay that worry to rest. He says he's ready for Gramma to go home, so I'll pack my bag after lunch and take off. He loves having his daddy to himself, and I try not to interfere with that while I'm here. At least, my presence doesn't distress him like it once did, more progress for which I am very grateful.

I made hot dogs for mine and Benji's lunch. Pip will only eat the buns and only when he decides he's hungry. He's still a very picky eater. Last night, he asked me for crackers. I offered peanut butter, then cheese to go with his crackers. "No cheese, no peanut butter, just crackers, Gramma!" he told me very plainly. Today he's had a cup of dry Trix. At least, those are made of whole grains now with more fiber and vitamins and nutrients than they used to have.

Yesterday I had fine Southern Cuisine at Ms. Ruth's in Verona, and the day before I stopped at Lake Tiak-O'Khata for another buffet lunch loaded with similar fare. I rarely pass up an opportunity to enjoy old-timey home cooking when it's someone else's. It's about time to pack my bag and hit the road.

Wonder what tonight's Supermoon will bring?

2010-11-07T15:47:00.000-06:00

Uh-oh, I missed a day of blogging, Saturday, but I was busier than usual, and it was a very enjoyable busy. First, I made a French toast breakfast with bacon and eggs for everyone, including the dogs. Then I went with friend Jackie to the Bodacious Broads brunch. After that, I got nails done, and then my friend Lucy came over for our regular Saturday night tête à tête. That didn't leave a lot of computer time.

I missed church again, but knew it would be useless to try to sing, and going to church without being able to sing just doesn't much appeal to me. I can stay at home and do the rest of it. I'm feeling better and believe this bug has surely run it's course almost, but when I start talking, I start coughing and get very hoarse, very quickly, so I'll just let the old vocal chords rest a little longer.

I'm loving the cooler weather we've had lately. The trees are stepping out timidly, slowly, one at a time, in their latest fall fashion, lots of gold and orange and cranberry red. They look stunning against the clear blue sky.

2010-11-05T19:24:00.000-05:00

My nightly routine has been disrupted. Keith Olbermann was suspended from MSNBC for making political contributions, seems it was a serious infraction for their political talk show hosts. Now I'm torn between Plan A: sign the petition to bring him back, boycott the network, and finding some other programs to watch; or Plan B: sign the petition, watch the MSNBC shows and wait for the whole thing to work itself out. I've decided to go with Plan B. Saturday and Sunday nights aren't nearly as much fun without Chris, Ed, Keith, Rachel and Lawrence. "Hello, my name is Cathy and I am a political talk show junkie."

It's been a wild week for those of us thrive on the excitement of politics. I'm sick of the winners gloating about what "The American People have spoken" with their wins. Benji made one of the best statements I've read yet about their bloviating:

The American People didn't care about any of it. The percentage of people who turned out (and who always turn out) for midterms was abysmally low. I am so tired of people talking about The American People as if every person who could move or get to a wheelchair went to vote on Tuesday. They didn't. It was a small cult turn out, and your cult is a little bit more committed than our cult. That doesn't in any sense give you the right to dictate anything.

So not only am I an addict, I also belong to a cult. Lord, have mercy!

2010-11-04T17:50:00.001-05:00

One of the things I enjoy so much about Facebook is that it has connected me with some brilliant people I, otherwise, would never have known. It isn't difficult to tell, by the remarks they make on a mutual friend's post, that this is someone with whom I would be compatible. If I were single and looking for another partner, I'd definitely want to use FB for initial stages of getting acquainted.

The lunch we had yesterday at The Cherokee was most enjoyable. I split a pizza with a new friend and met several others for the first time in person. Only 4 of the original 8 were there with 6 new people, so we had a total of 10. Our waiter was the same as last week - Coach. His picture is in the dictionary with curmudgeon.

I skipped choir rehearsal again last night, but what good is a soprano with no voice? I've had some sort of respiratory bug, all throat and lungs for two weeks, now it's moving into my head. Last week it felt like the flu and it may have been - chills, fever, body aches, head aches, coughing, etc. Now it's moved to my sinuses. If this is not all cleared out by Monday, I'll go to the doctor. He can't tell me, "It has to run its course."

2010-11-03T11:05:00.000-05:00

Now that election day is over, and the Republicans are back in charge of the House of Representatives, it will be interesting to see how far their heated rhetoric gets them in producing meaningful change that benefits the country. If the public says JOBS are their #1 concern, exactly what is it they plan to do to put all the unemployed back to work? As much as I would like to see the unemployment in this country go down, I'm not expecting quick results. Tax breaks for the wealthy do not produce more jobs. It's time to bust that myth and let it die.

Rather than lunching with the Water Lilies today, I'm commiserating with some left leaning buddies at The Cherokee. We met for the first time last Wednesday and decided that together we might be able to decompress best with simpatico spirits following what promised to be a disappointing election day for us. I'm hoping we start a regular lunch bunch.

All is not doom and gloom today. Sarah Palin is on thin ice with establishment Republicans. Good. The Republicans now own this miserable economy along with Obama and the Dems. Good. Their failure to make significant progress within the next two years bodes well for Obama's re-election. Good. And Blue Dog Democrats have learned our Democratic patience is exhausted. Good.

Now, for some good ole-timey comfort food at the Cherokee.

2010-11-02T11:11:00.001-05:00

I normally like to ease into the day; I wake up in stages, each cup of coffee brings a brighter level of consciousness, and by the 3rd one I'm almost ready to face the world. Sometimes my Facebook friends, who are never more than just a click away, start the old adrenaline rush much sooner than I prefer. Today was such a day, Election Day.

Today my FB friends greeted me with everything from rosy optimism to sheer unadulterated panic. Some are gloating already with the prospect of Nancy Pelosi losing her job as Speaker of the House. Some are explaining how divided leadership is good for the country. Others are dreading a takeover by wild-eyed, ignorant Tea Partiers. One man wants Democrats to maintain control so Armageddon will get here sooner. My friend Jackie posted this video, The Best is Yet to Come by Frank Sinatra and Jon Secada, so cheerful, it gave my spirits a much needed boost.

Okay, my 4th cup of Joe calls. Time to shuck the fun stuff and get down to business. Let's vote, Dems!

2010-11-01T14:56:00.002-05:00

Do I remember how to do this? It's been 8 months since I blogged. I'm hoping that 3 paragraphs/day here will satisfy my English professor son, who every November tries to involve me in NaNoWriMo, or National Novel Writing Month. I may have a novel in me, but he will have to take the raw material I've provided and write it himself. Think of this blog as raw material, Benji.

What has transpired in the time since last I wrote? Nothing of earth-shattering importance. The warm weather of spring evolved much too quickly into scorching summer, which hangs on yet, with high temps today expected to be in the 80's. My AC runs every day and the heat has been on only a couple of nights, so far.

I've made more trips to Plantersville this year than any other year since moving down here in '87. Benji is living in his Dad's home there and gets Pip once a month for a long week-end visit. I've missed only one of those visits, so far. It's a great escape for me with the added bonus of Gramma-time with my youngest grandson.

We usually enjoy a very laid-back time together with the 3 of us focused on separate electronic screens between short bursts of interaction. Pip, like his dad, loves video games. Being autistic, he has the ability to hyper-focus, and he's figured out games that are quite advanced for a 5 year old. He's also a big fan of the old cartoons like Tom and Jerry and Bugs Bunny, preferring the slap-stick comedy shtick to the newer cartoons of today. Watching him watch them is a real treat, no passive involvement there. He runs, he jumps, he rolls on the floor, he giggles, he gasps, he repeats the whole memorized script.

His speech is improving slowly and can usually be interpreted by paying close attention to the vowel sounds he makes. Every once in a while, he surprises us by talking as clearly as most other children his age, so I believe his delayed speech will soon be a non-issue.

2010-02-08T16:11:00.000-06:00

I didn't say I'd do this every day, did I? Since I sprained my foot last Weds. night, I've just not been in the mood to do much but complain, and who wants to read that? Not me! My foot was not really the source of my consternation as much as my clutzy and careless behavior. I could have kicked myself for what I did, but that would have hurt the sore foot. Best to just wear out the remorse in some venue other than this.

I went to a Super Bowl party last night and actually enjoyed a football game from beginning to end for the first time in a long time. As the Scripture prophysied , the Saints prevailed. I was tickled to the max and celebrated more than I usually do, all the while making sure there was not another injury to my aging limbs.

My dogs are at the vet's today having dental work done, poor babies. Jay-Jay had to have two teeth extracted and Gus had work done on his gums. It's time to go pick them up, so I'm hoping the anesthesia and pain shot keep them dazed for the rest of today.

Nope, no dazed dogs, but hungry, thirsty and miffed at their mama for having them tortured like she did. And that torture treatment was not cheap. Yikes!

2010-02-02T19:47:00.002-06:00

Today has been a much better day than yesterday. The groundhog didn't see his shadow, but I saw mine and mine wasn't the one cast by the sun, even though I saw that, too. Summertime will arrive on schedule.

I acknowledged long ago that there is a Jekyll and Hyde in everyone. Every once in a while my Hyde side rears its ugly head and tries to overpower the Jekyll side. It's been a while since the two sides wrestled for dominance, but yesterday was such a day. I'm happy to report that Jekyll won, but I know I haven't heard the last of Hyde. Such is the human dilemma.

I spent the morning at St. Dominic's while Mike went to therapy sessions. The coffee shop in Dominican Plaza has become one of my favorite hang-outs. I didn't feel like going shopping, which is what I do sometimes while he's there, but instead, drank coffee and journaled and visited with a couple of other people who are frequently there at the same time I am.

This afternoon I indulged in a 2 hour nap, shopped for groceries and spent some time visiting with my friend and neighbor Sandra. The spin bike that Art got for me in November has done nothing but collect dust in my garage, so she wants to try it and see how she likes it. I hope she does. She has a different type exercise bike that I like, so we're thinking of trading. I also listened to some lectures on Archive.org. All kinds of neat free stuff on this site.

2010-02-01T22:00:00.000-06:00

Benji launched a new group on Facebook for "Cecil's Park." It's been fun to look at the old photos and try to figure out once again who everybody is. For those of you who have no idea what Cecil's Park was, I feel sorry for you. And unless you grew up in Plantersville, you probably don't know about it. It wasn't just your normal small town public park. Maybe tomorrow I can come up with a brief explanation.

I've had a busy day trying to keep my emotional roller-coaster on the tracks. It's been scary. It's also been exhausting. So I'm turning in; I hope I can sleep. The Melatonin will help.

2010-01-31T19:39:00.001-06:00

What a beautiful Sunday we've had. I went to the 10:30 service at St. Philip's but didn't sing in the choir, in fact didn't have much voice left after the first couple of hymns. At least, I didn't have to leave coughing. The choir sang a couple of anthems by Mendelssohn, "I waited for the Lord" with beautiful solos by Mary Buchanan and Tessika McClendon, then they blended for the duet, and the second was "He watching over Israel." Really sorry I wasn't able to sing with them. I love those anthems.

Being in church and not able to sing is, for me, like sitting down to a banquet and not allowed to eat, really difficult to do, especially at our church. Father Tom gave a wonderful homily on the disadvantages of exclusivity and how we try to box God into a much smaller God than He actually is. He based it on our Gospel reading for the day Luke 4:21-30. Tom is an excellent preacher, thought-provoking and deep, but brief. Silas would have loved his sermons.

Then Mike and I went to El Portrillo for lunch with friends Jon, Trish, and Kyle, enjoyed great food and company. I impressed 12 year old Kyle by remembering several plays from the Vikings-Saints game last week. He is a huge Saints fan.

Next Sunday my friend Yvonne is hosting a Chick Super Bowl Party that Lucy and I are planning to attend. This should be a unique experience, as there will be no testosterone in the room, just the virtual kind. Usually that's my favorite part of watching football is observing how emotional boys and men can get over a game. I'll have to let the guys on TV provide all the macho stuff, I guess. Or I could go to the party at church, which includes a chili cook-off, but it's shaping up to be mostly couples and families, which is fine if you're part of a couple or a family that loves football. With Mike, I'm the closest thing to a sports fan in the house. He had rather watch a faucet drip than watch a ballgame.

2010-01-30T19:54:00.000-06:00

It's been an interesting day, had breakfast at Primo's with friend Yvonne, then lunch with friend Carol. It was too cold for anyone with good sense to be out, but there were plenty of us who refused to stay at home. Mother Nature threw a few flakes of snow at us, but none that stuck. I don't think it got above freezing all day. Tonight I'm quite content to be in my office with my trusty little electric heater under my desk keeping me toasty warm. After hibernating most of the week with sinusitus, I was going a little stir crazy, so it was nice to connect with two of my favorite people today.

If I'm feeling okay in the morning, I'll probably go to church. Haven't been for the last 3 Sundays, so I've really missed it. I probably won't sing with the choir, however, since my head is still congested.

I tried to find something on TV that interested me, but didn't have much luck, so I've been playing computer games and listening to music. When I couldn't go back to sleep at 2 am this morning, I found another night owl, a Facebook friend, and played some Lexulous with him. It's like Scrabble, and people who know me know what a fanatic I am about that. I've got no less than 7 games going right now, none of them progressing fast enough to suit me, but that's okay, I enjoy it anyway.

If any of you haven't discovered the fun to be had at Facebook, you need to look into it. If you want me for a FB friend you'll find me with the name "Ceejay Garrett." There were already several Cathy Garretts and I didn't want to be one of many. I am, after all, a very unique individual.

2010-01-29T18:15:00.004-06:00

When my son and my niece commented recently about this blog being on hiatus and how they missed it, I took it as the best sign in a series of signs that I should try again to generate the motivation it takes to do this regularly. (Thanks, Benji and Laura!) I'm not making any promises, but I am going to give it another try. Let's say it's part of the mindfulness practice I'm starting.

According to Wikipedia, mindfulness plays a central role in the teaching of Buddhist Meditation where it is affirmed that "correct" or "right" mindfulness is the critical factor in the path to liberation and subsequent enlightenment. My understanding of it is "paying attention to everything I'm doing and why I'm doing it." I have a habit of putting my mind in cruise control and not really thinking about what I'm doing or why.

Now, before my Christian friends start praying for a soul that has strayed too far from her fundamentalist roots, let me assure you that this soul is still Christian and practices her faith every Sunday at St. Philip's Episcopal Church and every day with prayer and meditation. She's not quite as fundamentalist as she was in her Baptist days, but still fairly orthodox by Anglican standards.

With that said, however, I must tell you that exploring the psychology of Buddhism has opened new vistas of understanding into how the mind works that I never got in my somewhat limited study of psychology and my more substantial study of the Bible and Christrine doctrine. Information about all these subjects is easily accessed on the internet and much of it is free. Most days find me reading articles that interest me and listening to lectures and music, all while playing computer games, fooling with Facebook, performing household chores, and caring for my disabled husband. Sounds quite ADD, doesn't it? Yeah, I'm that, too.

Actually, it was the ADD and my inability to focus and concentrate that led me to the subject of Buddhism; that, and my problem with Destructive Emotions. And for now, as Forrest Gump said, "that's all I have to say about that." There will be more.

2009-11-24T12:22:00.000-06:00

I woke up this morning with very sore leg muscles as a result of climbing stairs at St, Dominic's yesterday. While waiting for Mike, I got a little restless and decided to exercise. Rather than walking the inside track, I decided to climb stairs and made it up 6 floors before being totally winded. Am I out of shape that bad, or was it the bad cold? Either way, it's BAD! Today I'm feeling really old and decrepit.

Most of the stuff on Monday's long "to do list" got done, I'm happy to report. I saved a couple of them for today - take the dogs to the vet, take old coats to Kolb's, and by 10:00 this morning, those were done, too. This afternoon I'm taking Mike to St. D's again and I plan to walk instead of climb. The cough and sore throat aren't as bad today as they've been, so I may go to choir rehearsal tonight.

I'm about ready to get out the Christmas tree and start the Christmas music. I'm expecting a couple of guests for Thanksgiving dinner and would love to have the house looking festive. I may have started too late to pull all this off before Thursday, but maybe not. Since we've ordered our turkey and dressing from Kroger, I won't have nearly as much cooking to do before dinner time on Thursday. Unless I get off this computer, however, I won't get much done.

2009-11-22T20:40:00.000-06:00

It's been a good day to hibernate. I skipped church this morning, couldn't stop coughing. I've spent most of the day watching the Law and Order SVU marathon on USA. I've also washed laundry and played computer games. A very laid back kind of rainy day.

2009-11-20T13:37:00.000-06:00

My favorite next door neighbor Art just called and offered to reserve a surplus spin cycle for me when he goes to Jackson Country Club this afternoon to check out the exercise equipment they are replacing with newer equipment. I've never exercised on a spin cycle, but I've observed the classes at the Y and realized it was a hard work-out, probably harder than I want to tackle, but I need to start something. My treadmill has been moved to my garage and I promised myself I would start that again, but it hasn't happened yet. Until I get over this cold, I'm sure it won't happen. I'm world-class lazy when it comes to exercise, even though it would help me to maintain my weight loss, relieve my depression, lower my blood pressure, etc. What I need is a heavy dose of motivation. Shouldn't those three factors be enough? It isn't.

I took Mike to St. Dominic's this morning for occupational therapy and his gym work-out. I can't tell that he's made much progress, but I guess he has or Medicare wouldn't authorize more therapy. He had not made enough progress in physical therapy to justify more, so that's why he's doing his own exercises in the gym that is adjacent to the therapy clinic. I sat in the coffee shop the whole time, journaled about a recent dream, watched people go by, caught up on telephone calls, and talked myself out of walking the 1 mile inside track in the hospital. It's actually an interesting walk stretching from Dominican Plaza on the north side of Lakeland, over the crosswalk, and through the main hospital across the street. Not nearly as boring as treadmilling, but today I just didn't have the energy to do more.

Mary Ann took off for Tampa around 9:00 this morning. She's got a long 13 hr. drive ahead of her. She's picking up her father-in-law in Gulf Shores, and he's spending Thanksgiving week with them. Maybe he will help with the driving. She sold lots of stuff at our party last night. I'm expecting to look younger soon. Mary Kay has a miracle serum that has produced really good results, so I'm giving it a try. After being described as "elderly" by a young woman a couple of weeks ago, I realized my youthful looks are not nearly as obvious as I thought they were. Time to take drastic action. I'll let you know if it works.

2009-11-19T12:27:00.000-06:00

I didn't go to choir last night. The tickle in my throat has turned into incessant coughing and a lowering of my pitch to bass range rather than soprano. So annoying. I sucked on menthol lozenges all night long. Hope I don't send this bug back to Tampa with Mary Ann.

She has one of their Shelties with her - Maggie. What a gorgeous dog. Gus and Jay-Jay wondered what happened to their breakfast when they dawdled around like they usually do, then found empty food bowls instead of full ones. Maggie thought she was at an all-you-can-eat buffet. That'll teach 'em!

Today's sunshine is so much cheerier than yesterday's overcast skies, so the blues aren't dogging me. I actually feel like getting ready for tonight's party even though the cough is still with me. I just bought Sucrets Complete at Kroger - suppresses cough, serious sore throat relief, cools nasal passages, fights bad breath, plus vitamin C and Zinc. I hope it works the cure I need. We'll see.

2009-11-18T15:11:00.001-06:00

With the onset of the dark winter months, I'm once again drawn back to blogging. It helps when my outside sunshine time is limited. If you've ever been affected by depression, you understand; SAD, they call it.

Mary Ann is coming today. She's at her mom's now in Baldwyn and will visit with her sister in Gautier before heading back home this weekend. She's doing a Mary Kay party for me tomorrow night. I hope a few of the many I've invited show up. Leaving those 3 Borden boys in Tampa for a week takes nerve, but if you know my daughter-in-law, you know she has plenty. Ricky runs a pretty tight ship, though, so I'm glad she has such a good partner and feels confident enough to leave Dad in charge, PLUS he will have a brand new appreciation for her when she returns. What a bonus!

My Water Lilies are eating at Amerigo's today. This group of ladies keeps me smiling even on the darkest days. Last time we ate at Amerigo's, they treated us to free desserts. Recently they have advertised a plate lunch complete with tea, Tirimisu, and tip for $10.00, not a shabby deal, at all.

UPDATE: Just returned from Amerigo's where 14 of our 20 Lilies gathered for a scrumptious feast Italian style. I ordered the Wednesday special which was grilled chicken with angel hair pasta and sauteed veggies, so good I didn't leave one morsel on my plate. My mother would have been proud. Had to bring my dessert home, though, just too full to eat it.

Wednesday nights continue to be one of the highlights of my week with choir rehearsal at St. Philip's and dinner at the Lacy's afterward. I love hanging with this group of smart, super talented, fun people, and the food and wine are great, too. Our choir is always working on something that challenges me. The upcoming three months will be very busy with Advent, Christmas, Epiphany, Mardi Gras, but without all this, I would probably hibernate and get fat again. I'm glad I've got it.

2009-06-19T11:28:00.002-05:00

About a month ago, before it got so blooming hot, I was enjoying my back porch with BFF Lucy. By the time it got good dark and we had polished off our bottle of wine, I began to get a little emotional, maudlin even; we'd been talking about our mothers, and I began to cry. "I don't want to get old and senile like my mother did!" I wailed. "Shut that up right now!" she barked. "Besides, I heard if you work a crossword puzzle every day, you will stay mentally alert."

I'm not sure Lucy's remedy works for everybody. I do know that playing Scrabble every day and beating the computer makes me feel smarter. Coming up with something to say on this blog everyday is a challenge that exercises a couple of the old brain cells, too. Maybe that's why I was worried about slipping into senility.... blogging was proving to be too difficult. With my feeble mind, I just couldn't think of anything worthwhile to say. I still can't, but today that isn't stopping me.

It's been a fairly productive day for me. The depressing funk comes and goes, but the latest one is beginning to clear. I've suffered some dark bouts of blue devils since the December accident. The antidepressant helps, but drinking the occasional glass of wine cuts its effectiveness, my pharmacist tells me. Guess that's why I don't do it very often.

Mike's condition slowly improves, especially since he started counseling, but I'm really tired of having to drive him everywhere. I'm not sure he will ever drive again, the brain damage was too severe, plus his eyesight was affected. He's controlling his temper better, and is making a conscientious effort to empathize. And he stays in his room most of the time, which I really appreciate. It's not an ideal set-up, but it could be a lot worse.

We are blessed and today I feel thankful.

2009-06-05T20:00:00.002-05:00

One of the home-improvement projects I've almost completed is the building of a screened-in back porch on our back deck. The courtyard between our garage and condo has been completely covered with decking since we moved here in '97, and there was a hot tub that we lost interest in after the first year or two. The hot tub has been removed and some of the decking, which gave me a couple of spaces for small flower gardens. It's not exactly like I visualized, but it's getting there.

Right after the work started on this project, I was awakened around 4:30 one morning by my dogs barking at some dogs outside, who were also barking. When I went to investigate, I found 2 dark brown Dachshunds on my front patio, along with their "pup tent" carrier, their food, their bed, and their toys. Who thought I needed two more dogs?

Niko Baron and Riko Aaron spent that day with me, and Gus and Jay-Jay got over their jealousy after a while. Even though their names were on their collars, there were no tags. I really wished I had the resources to accommodate them permanently, two of the cutest, smartest, sweetest dogs ever, but I didn't.

During the course of the day, I met two people who were interested in adopting them. The lady from the dentist office wanted only one of them, but I hated to split them up. They had already been separated from their people, I hated to separate them from each other. It was easy to see they had been playmates for a long time. The man who came to look at them said he would take them both. We had mutual friends who recommended him as an honorable dog lover, so I sent them home with him. And they were at his house for about a week when, I learned, he gave them to a friend. The Dachshunds did some damage to the man's house one day when they were left alone with his Golden Retriever. His wife said they had to go.

I'm still not sure what happened to Niko and Riko. I'm haunted by the thought that they may have not yet found a permanent home. I know people are struggling these days to keep their homes, and pay their bills, so I assumed they came from some unfortunate circumstances. I figured that someone knew I am a sucker for homeless animals. (The two dogs I have were adopted from the street and the two cats were adopted from shelters.)

If anyone out there knows where those adorable Dachshunds came from or where they are now, please tell me "the rest of the story." I've wondered and worried about them for almost a month now.

2009-06-03T18:23:00.002-05:00

It's been a lazy day for me, lazier than usual. Probably the most productive thing I did was to go grocery shopping, prepare a couple of meals, and pay a couple of bills. I've been in one of those nostalgic moods listening to music from the 60's and hanging loose. I know...it's a hard life.

We're in the process of selling Mother's house in Plantersville. Due to lots of unfinished business that I never got around to finishing, it's taking a lot longer to get this done than it should have, but we're getting there. Maybe letting go of our last tangible tie to my hometown has influenced some of the sadness I've felt today.

I did learn that my friend Gloria was re-elected as mayor by a fairly large margin. Congratulations to her! Glad to know P'ville is still in good hands.

2009-06-02T21:00:00.000-05:00

My cousin Skip was here yesterday and today. Somehow I always manage to have more fun than usual when he's here, and this time was no exception. We acted much younger than we are by staying up last night until almost 1:30 and drinking way too much wine. BFF Lucy came over when she got off work at 7, so we had some serious conversation, but also lots of silly, silly stuff. This morning we were painfully aware of our real age. For lunch, the three of us met George and Benji at Primo's and continued to enjoy good food and lively conversation. Benji shot this picture with his cell phone. From L to R: George, Lucy, Skip and me. Thanks, Son!

While Mike was in therapy at St. Dominic's this morning, Skip and I went to Lemuria Book Store. It's such a cool place to hang out, to browse, to buy. Loving books as much as he does, I was surprised to get Skip out after just an hour, and with only one book. He and George are both avid readers, and when you put them together with Benji, I feel almost illiterate compared to them, but two are English professors and the other taught history, so it's no wonder. Maybe I soaked up some smarts over lunch.

I've got Z's to catch up on tonight. Sweet dreams!

2009-05-31T15:22:00.003-05:00

The computer seems to be back in good working order. I've been a little lost without it. Yes, I know I skipped blogging for the whole month of April just because I wanted to, but the month of May was skipped due mainly to a computer that went crazy and had to spend almost three weeks with the Geek Squad. They finally traced the problem back to my Kodak camera's software, which they removed. Not sure what I'll do with the pictures I take from now on. Can I simply plug in the little thing-a-majig that pops out of the camera and download from it? One of you geeky guys or gals can answer this, I know.

It's been a good day, so far. We celebrated the Day of Pentecost at church, complete with tongues of fire and the gospel in several languages. We even heard 1 Corinthians 12: 4-13 read in the most perfect Southern drawl imaginable. The anthems our choir sang were totally unfamiliar to a majority of singers an hour before they were sung beautifully in the service. Sounded like we'd been singing them forever. God's grace scores another win.

Then there was our Feast of Pentecost, a delicious luncheon of international cuisine in the parish hall (Chinese, German, Italian, Mexican, American) with several different flavors of music (including dancing) and drinks (the margaritas were the crowd favorite). It's one of the things I love the most about Episcopalians - they do know how to party!

But nothing resonated with me quite as much as today's reading from our devotional book Forward Day by Day. I've copied and pasted it here hoping you will blessed by reading it, as I was. Maybe it will help you understand why I find the hymnbook to be as inspiring sometimes as the Bible. I suspect it was written by David James, even though I couldn't find his name attached to it anywhere. In the review of his book From Loss to Hope is this: Inspired by James' reliance on the hymnal as a place to turn for guidance, hope, and promise, each reflection closes with a hymn quote, using verse as a bridge back to the tradition of hope that has sustained so many through so much. It certainly suggests he wrote this meditation, doesn't it?

John 15:26-27; 16:4b-15. If I do not go away, the Advocate will not come to you; but if I go, I will send him to you.

Here am I, O Love divine. I rise, I dress, I eat, I work, play, sleep, and rise again. It's not a bad life, and yet it leaves a cold and empty place within me. So come down, O Love divine, all loves excelling, joy of heaven, to earth come down! Seek thou this soul of mine, for I cannot seek thee. I know neither where nor how to look. Seek thou this soul of mine, and visit it with thine own ardor glowing. Warm the cold and fill the empty place with thyself, for thou thyself art warmth and thou thyself art fullness. Thou art all compassion; pure unbounded love thou art.

O Comforter, draw near. Nearer and nearer draw to me till thou art nearer than the breath in my lungs and the beat of my heart. Within my heart appear--be seen, be felt, rule. And kindle it, thy holy flame bestowing, until my heart burns with holy fire. Then let it freely burn, till earthly passions turn to dust and ashes in its heat consuming, with a flame no ocean can quench. Unhindered, unchecked, O let it freely burn!

2009-05-03T19:09:00.003-05:00

Do you remember smoothies? I've rediscovered them, and make at least one every day. There are so many options that we rarely have the same combination twice. What a great way to get plenty of the healthy stuff like fruit, yogurt and juice! And since the yogurt I buy is sweetened with Splenda, and the juice I buy has no sugar added, it's a great diet food, very filling and satisfying. Get that blender out and whip up something good-for-you! Can't wait to try this on my 4 year old picky-eater next time he's here. Why haven't I thought of this before now?

We had a slim crowd at church today, probably because of the rainy weather, thunderstorms before and during the service. My lights went out at home, had to reset all the clocks when I got up.

Benji called to tell me he was on his way to some Memphis-in-May concerts - Bonnie Raitt, James Taylor, and a couple of others whose names escape me now. I might even stand in the rain to hear BR and JT. Maybe next year.

2009-05-02T20:56:00.002-05:00

I've enjoyed my Saturday. How about you? Probably the most fun thing I did was a wedding this afternoon and the reception afterwards. Or was it entertaining my friend Lucy this evening? It's a toss-up; I enjoyed them both.

I noticed lightning to the north of us while we were on the patio, and the weatherman is predicting thunderstorms, so I guess we'll be wetter by this time tomorrow, which is okay with me. I hope everybody enjoys their Sunday.

I attended the service at Beth Israel again last night and heard a good sermon by the Rabbi entitled, "For God's Sake, Love Your Neighbor." From the Torah, in the middle of Leviticus, there was a passage that sounded a lot like The Golden Rule, but I was not familiar with it, and haven't been able to find it in my Bible since I got home. If anyone knows where this is, please tell me.

With a Little Help From my Friends- The Beatles

2009-05-01T21:10:00.001-05:00

Great song and video. Enjoy!

2009-05-01T09:56:00.005-05:00

A month without blogging?!? Did I really do that? I did. It was a very difficult, but productive month for me, a month of introspection rather than a lot of meaningless blah, blah, blah. Sometimes I just have to do that. Most of you understand.

Mike has gotten strong enough to go back to St. Dominic's Outpatient Rehab for physical and occupational therapy. The peripheral vision in his left eye is gone, so I'm driving him everywhere he needs to go. He may get his peripheral vision restored, he may not, nobody knows for sure.

He's also had a neuro-psych evaluation by Dr. Irby, who has been his neuro-psychologist since the 2004 stroke. He had test results from then and now to compare, and on the 7th, he's going over those results with us. He did notice some fatuous lability in his initial interview with Mike on April 17th, which explains why I feel like I'm living with a 14 year old boy most of the time. It also explains why he's perfectly content to watch TV all day and night and tends to favor comedies and comics. For now, he's stuck in "silly mode" and wants to be entertained, to be amused, and has very little tolerance for the frustrations of adult responsibilities. His short fuse can swing him immediately to the other end of the emotional spectrum with lots of hostility, belligerence, etc. He has very little control of his emotions due to the pre-frontal cortex damage. That condition could improve, but it may not. He is working on it. Please, friends, continue to pray for him.

I've been through a spell of insomnia and sleep deprivation, but that is beginning to correct itself. Most of it was due to stress, I believe, but once I worked through a good bit of the internal head noise and unhealthy attitudes, I'm sleeping much better. It's taking lots of journaling, counseling, prayer, meditation, exercise, antidepressants, and friends calling attention to unhealthy behaviors to get me back to the middle of the road; now let's pray that I can keep it between the ditches. It ain't easy. Today I feel grounded, not something I take for granted any longer. I got a solid 8 hours of sleep without pills last night, and that is a real blessing.

I appreciate those of you who have expressed concern.

I get by with a little help from my friends.

2009-04-01T17:48:00.002-05:00

Okay, I admit it, I'm about burned out on blogging. Coming up with new thoughts on my very mundane life is challenging, to say the least.

The dejunking project has not really taken off, yet. The work I had scheduled for Tuesday got rained out. Wednesday is my running around day when I'm gone more than I'm here. The crew that is removing the old hot tub is rescheduled for tomorrow, but rain is also moving back in tomorrow, so not sure when this will actually happen. I am attempting to discard more than I normally do on garbage pickup days, Tuesdays and Fridays, so that's progress, I suppose.

The new development in my musical avocation is opera. I've never even been a fan of opera, but this week I'm singing in one. The St. Philip's choir agreed to help our director in Saturday night's performance of Cavalleria Rusticana. We are doing the part of the Chapel Choir, and will be off stage, with no make-up or costumes required, when we sing.

Last night's rehearsal was rough. None of us were impressed with the rude director of the opera chorus. I hope he's had an attitude adjustment since then. We've got to go back tonight to rehearse again, and I don't feel motivated to do much for someone who acts like a world-class a**hole. We may sound very amateurish compared to the other chorus, but for last-minute volunteers, I thought we sounded pretty darn good. I was not the only one who left last night wondering why I bothered.

2009-03-28T10:03:00.004-05:00

I'm trying to get my mind geared toward a major junk-purging project. My house has collected an incredible amount of worthless junk, and being the packrat I am, it's painful to think of parting with most of it.

My friend Lucy has promised to help. As a former drug and alcohol rehab counselor, she's created a packrat rehab program for me. I really am tired of being tacky, and it's come to that, I'm afraid; my poor-white-trash ways are catching up with me. This will be more than spring cleaning. It's a major life-style change.

I'm very apprehensive about it, but a little eager and excited, too. Why do we hang on to things that have long passed their usefulness? I've even got things around here that have never been useful, or beautiful, and why I gave them space here is not clear, but I did.

Hi, my name is Cathy, and I am a junkie.

2009-03-24T19:30:00.002-05:00

The rain is moving in, and the next two days are supposed to be typical March bluster. George and I tried to eat lunch on the patio at Sweet Peppers today, and had to move inside due to wind gusts. I always enjoy visits with my old friend from P'ville, and today was no exception. My guardian angel rescued my purse again. I left it outside when we moved inside, and didn't miss it for another half hour, but it was turned in by some kind soul, so I got it back immediately after asking about it. God bless 'em.

I'm beginning to like my new sleep schedule. I was up by 5:00 this morning and went walking with my neighbor for about an hour. Amazing how it put me in such a better frame of mind for today's challenges.

My beautician came out to the house this morning and gave Mike a haircut and a shave. I wish I had made before and after pictures, he looks a lot better. The nurse came out this afternoon and recertified him for home health care. She also encouraged him to go up and down the stairs, which I'm still not encouraging. He's so much easier to manage when he's confined to one room.

2009-03-22T20:33:00.002-05:00

Mike fell on Friday in the bathroom and I had to call 911 to come help get him back in the bed. He lost his balance and took a tumble, but wasn't injured, as far as anyone could tell, so he refused to go to the ER.

Of course, the EMT's had to come in the fire truck, so that attracted the attention of my neighbors. I still haven't figured out why they don't use a more practical vehicle for calls like mine. It took them only about 5 minutes to get here and about that long to get him back in the bed and their form filled out with the information they needed, then leave.

His occupational therapist came shortly after to make sure he was okay, and to see what progress he had made in the two weeks since she had seen him. She tried to reassure him that he was doing great and not to let the fall discourage him.

I'm not real sure he has the strength to do what they're saying he can do. He had made several attempts to push up with his strong arm to lift himself to his strong knee, then get back on his feet, but was unable to do it. All this effort was accompanied by language that would make a sailor blush, so I was real tempted to just leave him in the floor, especially when the cursing was directed at me personally. I told him he was making a real good case for nursing home care. At least they have more than one person who can help get him off the floor if he falls, and they don't know him well enough to be hurt by the things he says.

The rest of my week-end has been unusually pleasant with a wedding shower on Saturday, visits with friends, church today, lunch at Pan Asia with friend Jan, dinner at Soulshine Pizza with friend Sandra, and beautiful weather. Life is mostly good.

2009-03-19T19:57:00.000-05:00

What can I say about my Thursday? We have had a beautiful spring day. There have been no ugly scenes with Mike. Sandra and I went to the Y and did deep water aerobics. I had a session with my counselor this afternoon. He was pleased to see me smiling and laughing and to hear how I'm taking care of myself and that I've started the anti-depressant. I continue to have queasy, nervous butterflies in my tummy due mostly to anxiety, but it's not debilitating. My BP is running a little higher than normal, but I've got a pill to take for that every morning and I'm taking it. I am getting more sleep since I adjusted my bedtime to an earlier hour. There isn't much else I can do alleviate the stress, and take care of myself.

Mike's condition is improving. He was able to go down the stairs, then back up the stairs with his PT on Tues. His balance is still wobbly, his strength and stamina are no where near pre-accident levels. The therapist told him under no circumstances was he to attempt the stairs alone, and unless he has a doctor's appointment, he needs to stay in his room. That relieved some of my anxiety.

He's wearing full-length compression hosiery on both legs for the swelling. Today he was able to put on his shoes for the first time since coming home from the hospital 2 months ago, and he walked around the room without his cane. I told him he could begin emptying his own urinals now. He hasn't wanted to put his shoes on again since then, which is fine with me. The thought of his increased mobility makes the butterflies in my stomach start doing flip-flops. How long before he's looking for car keys and a drink?

2009-03-18T09:28:00.003-05:00

Yesterday's blog was #1000! The 17th was also the 10th anniversary of my retirement from Bellsouth and the 40th anniversary of my start date with them. Not getting fired in those 30 years of employment was good luck, plus we had a union, which allowed me to draw a pension and benefits, so I've long considered March 17th a lucky day.

I've had a hard morning. Temper tantrums like I just experienced from Mike take their toll. No matter how strong my resolve to let his hostility and angry cursing not effect me personally, sometimes it catches me with my guard down and wounds deeply. I've got that strong urge right now to "run away from home."

I'm glad I've got lunch with the Water Lilies to look forward to. Today we're going to The Auditorium, a restaurant that has recently opened in the old Duling School Building in the Fondren area of Jackson. It always lifts my spirits to hang out with these beautiful ladies.

Last night I attended the Evening Eucharist at St. Philip's and the discussion group afterwards. I just had to get out of the house and find a more serene, sane setting. The service and the group afterwards were a real blessing.

2009-03-17T14:36:00.003-05:00

I did it! My hair is short again, and I'm feeling kinda lightheaded. There wasn't nearly as much gray in the ponytail as in the front, wonder why? At least it won't be such a hassle now when I do deep water aerobics. I like the new do. Why does short hair make a face look younger? I don't know, but it does.

The sun has come out again, thank goodness! I was about to sink in the deep blue sea of depression, even took the first anti-depressant pill from the Rx prescribed last month by my doc. When he asked about it last week, I told him I thought the talk-therapy was getting me through this rough patch. By this morning, I had changed my mind.

The trick to getting sufficient sleep, I've discovered, is to go to bed around 9:00, rather than midnight, not my natural pattern at all, but then neither is waking up at 4 am. That's what I've been doing, though. LaRue, did you wish this on me?

2009-03-15T15:23:00.003-05:00

We sang one of my favorite anthems at the 10:30 service this morning - Haydn's "The Heaven's Are Telling" from "The Creation." It's a fun piece of music that makes me happy every time I hear it and even happier when I'm singing it. There are several renditions on YouTube, but none with a superb small choir and pipe organ like we have, but this is the arrangement, in case you need your memory jogged. Seems we took it a little faster than this choir does it. I need to start recording these things so I can post them on here.

I sang in the early service, too, along with the other choristers in Ensemble III, and I thought it sounded pretty darn good, too, especially considering the early hour with only 10 of us singing. (We did not do the Haydn piece.) I must say, though, that the 10:30 crowd looks a lot more enthusiastic about choir music than the early crowd does. Some even looked a little grumpy that we added about 5 minutes to their church time. Oh well, if I were singing for audience adulation, I would have quit a long time ago.

The Old Testament reading from Exodus 20:1-17 was mine today, as well, so I was busier this morning than usual. That passage always makes me feel very, very small, but it's important to hold up a yardstick every once in a while to remind ourselves that we will never measure up. How wonderful to realize that our salvation is a gift and not dependent on our keeping the law.

The heaven's are telling the glory of God!

For those of you who might be curious about what my brother is doing these days, looks like he had a pretty good week-end, too. Here's his blog.

2009-03-14T20:48:00.002-05:00

We had a great retreat at Gray Center. It's so nice to relax with sane, spiritually-minded mature women. We had lots of good food, wine, conversation, and dream work. I slept better last night than I've slept in a long time.

I came home to find everything on the homefront had been taken care of very well by our friends Ron on Friday and Art today. The dogs were effusive with their affection, and Mike even thanked me for making sure he was cared for so well.

I went to my friend Margaret's house this afternoon for a massage and found out some kind friend had already paid for it. I was totally flabbergasted! What a treat! So I feel totally rejuvenated in mind, body and soul.

Tomorrow starts early with the choir singing at the 8:00 service. Guess I better shut this computer down and get some shut-eye. Hope everyone has a blessed Sabbath!

2009-03-12T20:48:00.003-05:00

My dream group is going to a retreat at Gray Center this week-end. It's my first night away from home since Mike's accident, and I'm soooo ready for a little escape. Everybody say a prayer that things go smoothly here with him. He will be helped by a couple of friends who have agreed to come by, walk the dogs, get his food, etc. I'm a little nervous about leaving him, but it's for only about 24 hours, so he should be fine.

He's still spending 99% of his time in the bed, just too weak to get up and do anything. He takes a shower every other day, and says it wears him out. He needs a shave and a haircut so bad, but refuses to let me do it, or pay someone else to do it. The doctor has ordered compression hose for his swollen feet and ankles. The Lasix did not get rid of much fluid, and they couldn't increase the dosage because it lowers blood pressure.

It's been an interesting couple of days since I last blogged. Yesterday the Water Lilies ate lunch at the Beth Israel Bazaar, delicious and kosher, then last night I ate with the choir after rehearsal, which is always a highlight of my week. Today I went out to my friend Lollie's house and sewed. I didn't finish the jacket I was working on, but got most of the patchwork done, so one more 3 hour session on her super-fancy sewing machine (what a dream!) should be enough.

I scheduled a haircut for next Tuesday. My hair is finally long enough for Pantene Beautiful Lengths to use. It took about 2 years to grow it this long, and I may do it again. There is more gray in it now than when I began this process, but according to what I've heard, they will accept hair with less than 5% gray, not sure mine is still less than 5%, but we'll see. I hope whoever gets it enjoys it as much as I have.

2009-03-10T21:00:00.000-05:00

Three days have passed since my last blog, so I should probably write something. It's been a very difficult day for me...woke up at 4:30 am, couldn't go back to sleep, so I got maybe 5 hours of sleep...again...not enough to keep me sane.

It's been a real struggle today to make sense of anything, especially my own behavior. I've made a fool of myself more than once, not a pleasant feeling, but it's so easy when I'm tired and stressed, to misinterpret what someone says or the tone they use, so my reactions were a little less than rational. I'm sorry if you were one of the ones I offended.

I took a Xanex around 5 pm, drank a glass of wine with my dinner, then took an Ambien around 8:30. Surely something will knock me out tonight. The doctor wanted me to switch to Ambien, since the Lunesta wasn't giving me more than about 5 hours either. I have trouble accepting that I need a pill to make me sleep, but this is standard practice for combating chronic insomnia, I understand. The doctor seems to think that sleep deprivation does more damage than depending on sleeping pills. I am beginning to yawn, so I'm going to bed with a book and read 'til I can't hold my eyes open. Wish me luck in getting a solid 8 hours, at least.

2009-03-07T17:42:00.003-06:00

My horizons have been stretched this week with Jesus Christ Superstar on Tuesday night, the conversation at the choir dinner Weds. night, the discussion at the RCFDW meeting on Thurs. night, and last night when I attended the Erev Shabbat service at the Jewish temple. I'm ready for an evening of no stretching. I can only process so much new information.

The most enjoyable evening, by far, was last night at the temple. Hearing the prayers said and hymns sung in the Hebrew language, as Jesus heard them and said them, was very moving to me. I had never attended a Jewish service before, so had no idea what to expect. As it turned out, there were several friends there from St. Philip's, so we all sat together.

We went primarily to hear the Rev. C. Welton Gaddy, a Baptist minister from Monroe, LA, who has authored several books, has a radio show on Air America, and heads up the Interfaith Alliance, which promotes mutual respect, cooperation, and civility among America's different faith traditions. He didn't say anything that I disagreed with, and most everything he said I've thought and/or said at some point in my spiritual journey, so I really enjoyed his remarks. It's nice to have my beliefs affirmed by someone so highly esteemed as this man.

I enjoyed the musical on Tuesday night, and its enjoyment factor runs a close second to last night's experience. Even though the guy who played Jesus is good, I think, at 66, he really should retire and let a younger guy take the lead. One of his songs included some screaming that I detested. Maybe the agony of Jesus included some screaming, it probably did, but it's always been the sound that unnerves me the quickest, so I was glad when that song ended. How he screams that way and maintains a singing voice is a mystery to me.

I've always identified with Mary Magdalene, so naturally, she was my favorite character in this production. Her two songs, "Everything's Alright," and "I Don't Know How to Love Him" have always been my favorites from the soundtrack, and they still are.

Mike and I have had a civil day together, for the most part. I'm wondering if Ron didn't say something to him yesterday about treating me better. He was here for a visit, along with their friend Steve, and he told me he knew of situations like ours where the caregiving spouse totally abandons the sick person. He may have said the same thing to Mike.

2009-03-05T21:37:00.002-06:00

I'm not a very nice person when I'm tired and my nerves are frayed. The bitch in me has no patience, no compassion, no tolerance for BS, and my poor husband is stuffed to the gills with BS. Everything he said and did today rubbed me the wrong way. If I'd had a bat, I'd been real tempted to whack him. Good thing I didn't have a bat, huh Benji?

Fortunately, Jimmy, my handyman, was here, so some of my irritability was defused by simply having a third party in the house who was not feeding into the toxic dynamic between Mike and me. Then his occupational therapist came, and she got Mike to commit to doing more for himself than he's been doing.

I'm still not sure who is going to help him next week-end when I go to the retreat at Gray Center, but with all the things he said he could do, it would not hurt him to be here by himself with NO HELP for that brief time. I would have to board the dogs, but that's not a problem. My neighbor Art said he would help with the breakfast and the dogs, and I'll probably let him, unless Ron changes his mind and decides to come over and spend the night, rather than going to the casino.

I just hope to sleep better tonight. For some reason, the Lunesta didn't give me but about 5 hours last night. Gotta have more than that, or I'm dangerous.

2009-03-03T12:52:00.003-06:00

Well, my secret is out, I guess. Anybody who tracks my Facebook activity knows I'm an internet addict and don't have much life beyond that. I'm a little concerned, to tell you the truth. Stuff is going undone around here that needs to be done, so I'm making a conscious effort to limit my time in my office on my computer and on Facebook, in particular. I was warned that it can be addictive, shoulda listened.

My friend Nancy invited me to go see Jesus Christ Superstar tonight at Thalia Mara Auditorium downtown, so I told her I would. She's been going through a similar round of hospitalization and rehab with her hubby since I've been on this crazy ride with Mike. It's just one of those things we, as women, knew was a possibility but hoped we would be spared.

This musical presents that dilemma that usually makes me squirm, where the sacred and profane meet, where "the veil is rent in twain," where the degradation of flesh produces the holiest of holy happenings in history. My mind has always had a problem accepting the dichotomy of that moment, but my spirit "gets it." Still, I'm not comfortable with it.

The performance we're seeing actually has Ted Neeley playing the role of Jesus. He was one of the first to play that role, and is 66 years old, which I find to be inspiring. I'll let you know if I enjoy it, or not.

2009-03-01T19:18:00.006-06:00

This has been a pleasant Sunday for me, nothing out of the ordinary going on, just an uneventful day with no crises, and I'll take those anytime, gladly. Even church-without-David was crisis-free.

Our organist/choirmaster has conditioned us to a very high standard in our music and liturgy, so I'm usually a little let down when he isn't there, and a substitute is filling in for him. Today I was okay with that. Not many knew that he wouldn't be there except for the stand-in and a couple of others, but I felt a peace about it from the moment I walked in the church. Sure enough, the service went smoothly, the anthems were sung beautifully, Molly's homily was really good, and I left feeling refreshed in body and soul.

Rather than the usual 18-20 calls from my husband (we use our cell phones as an intercom), there have only been 8 today, so that cut down on the stress considerably. I worked out at the gym for an hour this afternoon, then went to Kroger. The temperature gauge had 45* on it, but with the wind chill factor, it was in the 30's, I'm sure. We woke up to a dusting of snow on the rooftops, but by noon, the sun had melted it all.

About the most exciting event of the week-end was having dinner with my friend Lynn from Tupelo. She was here for a market at the Trade Mart, and called me, so I went across the Rez to Cinco de Mayo and met her, her daughter, and her cousin and his wife for dinner. It was fun to catch up on the people I went to high school with, some I haven't thought of in years.

Benji sent word that Pip is really into the fingerpainting. His pictures on Facebook have fascinated me. Here's what he says the child is doing:

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He's just so engrossed in doing it, and really pays attention to the way the paint goes all over the page. He also loves using toys (cars, trains, Star Wars vehicles) and hardware (screws, bolts, nails) to help him push the paint around. He's also funny in the way he always seems to be thinking about it. He will walk away from something, then come back to it in an hour and add another layer, or use his feet to paint. Really cool to watch.

I'm thinking super-talented here. Grammas know these things.

2009-02-27T14:57:00.002-06:00

I was never trained as a nurse, the kind who looks after the sick and injured, but I have plenty of experience as a nurse, the kind who looks after babies and small children. It has come in handy, taking care of my disabled husband. I have to remind myself often that it's very much like looking after a big baby, except rather than squalling, he cusses, and his infantile fits of temper can do more damage than a baby's.

Today has been one of those days when I've needed an extraordinary amount of patience, and so far, it's been there when I needed it. God's grace continues to amaze me. Thanks to those of you who are holding me up with your prayers.

I'm also glad my babies came along before disposable diapers were so common. Soaking and rinsing soiled cloth diapers in the toilet was an everyday occurrence for moms "back in the day." Any squeamishness I once had about something so unpleasant got flushed a long time ago.

Sorry if I spoiled somebody's appetite.

2009-02-26T22:35:00.000-06:00

Something's gotta give! Will blogging fall by the wayside while Facebook eats up all my time? That's the way it's been lately. If I could figure out a way to combine the two, that would be ideal. This is monologue; over there it's dialogue, a lot more fun. Reconnecting with high school friends has been a blast! And I thought there was just one way to feel 16 again, silly me!

We had another funeral at St. Philip's this morning with the choir's music being as beautiful as ever. Garrison Keillor must have had a choir like ours in mind when he said: To sing like this, in the company of other souls, and to make those consonants slip out so easily and in unison, and to make those chords so rich that they bring tears to your eyes – this is transcendence. This is the power that choral singing has that other music can only dream of.

This afternoon I went to Brandon to sew with a friend of mine who has the most amazing machines I've ever seen. I will never be satisfied with my 40 year old Singer Touch 'n Sew again. I am so behind the times. If I ever get inspired to start making my own clothes again, which I kinda doubt, I'll just take it out to Lollie's house and do it there. She and I worked on my Chickadee jacket for the dream workshop retreat. We're planning to wear them when we go to Gray Center in a couple of weeks.

I'm just hoping I can get someone to come stay with Mike while I'm gone. His friend Ron is the most likely one to do it, but I haven't asked him yet. Surely he is not going to the casino on Friday the 13th. I'll call him tomorrow and see.

2009-02-24T19:56:00.000-06:00

I wish I enjoyed reading books as much as some of my friends do. I realized today, listening to the gals in our Red Hat Readers group talk, that the book lover gene got left out of my DNA. I read a lot, mostly columns and articles on the internet, which allows me to flit from one subject to another before I get bored, but sitting down with a book to read from beginning to end is a real challenge for me. It always has been.

I used to resent people who could keep their nose buried in a book all day long and never put it down except to pee and eat. Now I envy them. It probably has something to do with my ADD, but my grandson has it and he can stay absorbed in a book for hours. His dad is like me, just doesn't have the bookreading gene.

Seems reading was a little easier when I took Adderall, but since Mike's accident, I haven't taken that. It's an amphetamine, and it did help me complete more tasks than I normally do, but it also set my nerves on edge, and I don't need that since I've been so involved with Mike and his recovery. (It also cut my appetite way down, which enabled me to lose the weight I've lost, but that was a side effect, not the primary purpose.)

Back to the book group.... I joined it because I love hanging out with the people in there, and I needed the discipline of being expected to read at least one book a month. Last month's book Down Town by Ferrol Sams just did not hold my interest. I would much rather have heard the author tell the story than have to read it. His use of old-timey Southern expressions was charming, at first, then it became tedious, and he goes on and on with so many little insignificant details that I just got really impatient for him to get to the point. You've been cornered by story tellers like this, I'm sure. I hope next month's selection is easier to read.

And now it's time to watch Obama make his speech.

2009-02-23T22:43:00.002-06:00

My handyman came this morning to finish the paint job we started over a month ago. He had several touch-ups to do, and while he was here, he fixed the ice dispenser in the door of the fridge. I could have done it, I've done it before, but he's one of those take-charge kinda guys. "Here, let me do that," was all it took for me to step back and let him have it. He's moving to Louisiana in a couple of months, which I really hated to hear, but I've got other names and numbers for other handymen, so it shouldn't be a major problem.

I keep hoping AT&T will transfer Ricky from Tampa to Jackson, but the chances of that are about one in a million, maybe? These friends of mine who have family members they can call for help just don't realize how lucky they are. Thank goodness, I'm seeing more of Benji recently than I used to and he's pretty darn handy at fixing things, too. I'm hoping we can get pictures hung back on the wall that have been down since the painting began. Something else I could actually do by myself, but it works a lot better when a second or third person is eyeing the overall placement of the pictures. I want to mix up what I had in totally different arrangements, but I've got a couple of new ones to hang, too. What I need to do is go through all my paintings and get a couple of them framed.

I was out most of the afternoon with a 1:30 appointment, then shopping at Kroger, then working out at the Y. A nice looking man about my age struck up a conversation with me at Kroger, then at the Y, the same thing happened with another man. He and I talked about losing weight, he'd lost almost 100 lbs, I've lost 30 since July, then we talked about grandchildren. Such a pleasant, smart, nice looking man, quite a boost for my flagging ego. I think I'll wait until around 4:00 to go tomorrow, too. Exercise is not usually as interesting as it was today.

2009-02-22T19:39:00.003-06:00

It's been a busier-than-usual week-end for me, so I'm glad to see it coming to an end. The Mardi Gras party went well Friday night, the show was a hit, judging from the crowd's reactions, the dinner was delicious, the band got everybody out on the dance floor, AND we made money for the Altar Guild and the Choir, so I'm pleased, and I congratulate those who pulled off another successful affair. I'm also glad we only do this once a year. I hope by this time next year, I'm not so tired and stressed, and can be more in the mood to "Laissez Les Bon Temps Roule!!"

Last night I went with my friend Yvonne to see The Vagina Monologues, a play written back in 1996 by Eve Ensler, who interviewed women for stories of "intimacy, vulnerability, and sexual self-discovery." She was inspired to create V-Day, a global movement to stop violence against women and girls. Portions of the play are funny, but the tragic parts are in there, too, and a couple of the stories moved me to tears. Women, you owe it to yourselves to see this play, if you never have.

Today was church, lunch with friends, exercise at the Y, and taking it easy. I've been trying to watch the Oscars, but having seen no more movies than I've seen in the past year, it's not very interesting to me. I didn't know most of the people who strolled the Red Carpet, which made me feel really out of touch. When did I lose interest in Pop Culture? I think it was around the time I turned 50, and some of you know exactly how long ago that was.

2009-02-20T14:50:00.003-06:00

I finally got a good night's sleep, so today has been a little more productive than some of my other days this week, and I'm ready to do the Mardi Gras party tonight. I've invited my friend Lucy to go with me. Her first impression of St. Philip's folks will be a wild one, but I think she will be okay with that.

I'm not as enthusiastic about this year's musical as last year's or the year before, but it's got some good songs and good groups in it, so I'm sure the audience will love it. The theme is "Viva Las Vegas" and the story is about two nuns who have gone to Vegas to discover the meaning of life and love. They encounter Elvis, Tom Jones, the Supremes, Peter, Paul and Mary, Wayne Newton, Gladys Knight and the Pips, and the Rat Pack. It's funny.

I discovered when we first started the rehearsal for this that I felt unusually squeamish about prancing around seductively as one of Tom Jones' What's-New-Pussycat background singers, and dressed to resemble a cat, of course. Plus there is another number that is even more suggestive and I felt even more squeamish about that. Where did this little prude come from? It has to be the Baptist in me. My daddy would frown. But did I ever let that stop me?

Pictures will be forthcoming....maybe....maybe not.

2009-02-19T08:24:00.004-06:00

"You didn't blog yesterday," a friend told me at lunch yesterday. It surprised me that she kept up with it that closely. She was concerned that something else had happened to Mike. I appreciate her concern and the concern of other friends. Knowing that I have friends who care is a real comfort to me.

Mike's condition has improved a bit. Yesterday he was able to get out of the bed and walk around the room for the first time in 10 days. His feet and ankles are still swollen, he's very weak, and sitting upright in a chair for 30 minutes exhausted him, he said.

I wish I could say his attitude has improved, too, but it hasn't. The Golden Rule has never been so hard for me to follow. I hope and pray I'm never in this condition and needing as much help as he needs, but we just don't know what help we will need before our days here are done, now do we?

I tried my best to conjure up my "party girl" for the choir's rehearsal last night of Friday's Mardi Gras musical, but she never surfaced. It's a fun, frivolous thing and requires a certain amount of silliness to do it right. Maybe by tomorrow, I can pull up some of that from somewhere, Lord knows I've got plenty of silliness in me, but last night and today, it ain't happening.

I'm still having insomnia, despite the fact that I'm taking Lunesta every night. Last night I got four hours, then wide awake. I'm in counseling every week to deal with the emotional turmoil I'm experiencing. Please continue to pray for me.

And for Mike.

I did get some good news on Tuesday - my Madison renter is not moving until this summer, if at all. Thank goodness!

2009-02-16T15:55:00.002-06:00

Something happened to Friday's post... I probably violated some copyright law using the pictures I used, so they blanked it out. I deleted the whole thing and everything looks normal again.

My week-end was much too full for blogging or Facebook or any other of my regular diversions. With the Dream Group, the Mardi Gras rehearsal, church, company, etc., I just didn't spend much time on the computer, at all. Tomorrow will be a busy day, too, with a funeral in the morning and another Mardi Gras rehearsal tomorrow night.

And I just found out that my renter in Madison is getting transferred 6 months before her lease expires. My new renter for the townhouse just moved in 10 days ago, so I was hoping for a longer reprieve from the renting business. That's life, as Old Blue Eyes said, or se la vie, as my fancy French-speaking friends say it.

2009-02-12T12:41:00.002-06:00

Wednesday started on such a happy note, then gradually my mood started sliding downhill and the lower it got, the more precipitously it dropped. By the time I got home from the choir dinner last night, I was feeling really sorry for myself, one of those times I wanted and desperately needed to cry, but couldn't.... just didn't have that safe daddy shoulder that lets me turn loose of the tears. I wish I were not wired like this, and I'm working hard to get certain parts rewired, but for now, that's how my crying mechanism works.

It's not healthy for women to depend on a father figure like I do. Unfortunately, I was set up for this, to a certain extent, by my own father, whom I loved dearly and depended on far more than I should have. Maybe it's a generational thing. Men once believed that women couldn't make it without the help of a man, and some men still believe that, probably because there are so many of us dependent women out here who rely on them when we could be and should be relying on our own inner strength.

I'm convinced that it's one of the lessons I'm supposed to be learning throughout this ordeal with Mike. None of the safe father figures that I've relied on in the past are easily available to me right now. Truth is, they're probably all tired of listening to me whine. Heck! I'm tired of hearing myself whine.

Okay, what would my favorite daddy say about this pity party I'm having? "Get off your butt and go workout at the gym!" Now that wasn't so hard.

I'll be back from the Y in about an hour.

2009-02-10T21:08:00.003-06:00

We've had a relatively quiet, peaceful day here. I got a bunch of stuff done that I'd been putting off, so that always makes me feel better. Then tonight Mike had a couple of visitors who brought him his favorite pizza for supper, so that was a special treat for both of us. And I learned that changing sheets on an occupied bed is not nearly as easy as it looked when I watched the woman at the nursing home do it, especially when you've got a pesky dog wanting to play tug-of-war with the sheets.

The one thing I didn't get done was exercising at the Y, but I've been pretty active all day and probably burned more calories than usual. Tomorrow, for sure, I'm going. Dancing to the oldies is a sure cure for the blues anyday, so I'm going to the 9:30 class.

I scanned an old picture for Facebook today and posted it there, so for those who haven't seen it, here are a group of friends from high school days at a luncheon at Hunter's Restaurant in Tupelo. Can someone please remind me where Hunter's was located? I'm thinking North Gloster close to the Holiday Inn, but I would not bet on it. Yours Truly is seated, third from the left in mint green with pink flowers on my head and a white corsage. That was actually a suit I made in Home Ec. What year was it when hats went out of style?

2009-02-09T20:51:00.003-06:00

Mike's condition is deteriorating, I'm afraid. The nurse thinks he has a new blood clot, and the doctor says she's probably right, but there isn't anything they can do about it. When you have blood clots and can't take a blood thinner, your options are very limited. So he's immobilized, not able to do much but turn from side to side in the bed and scoot himself to an upright position for eating his meals. He's very angry about the whole thing and has been quite hostile toward me when I'm in there, so I've not been in there much unless I just had to be. My patience is wearing thin, and I'm trying not to take his belligerence personally, but it's beginning to get to me. Praying friends, please continue to pray for us.

I have enjoyed the gorgeous weather we're having lately. My neighbor's Japanese Tulip tree has blooms all over it and my daffodils are shooting up with buds. Seems this happens every year, doesn't it? Mother Nature can't seem to make up her mind. With just a little bit of warmth and sunshine, she teases our plants out of dormancy, then blasts them with icy reminders of why she can't be trusted, such a capricious force she is.

Facebook continues to be one of my favorite forms of entertainment. I've reconnected with old friends and made new friends and realized, once again, how easily I am distracted by and addicted to things I find to be pleasurable. Yes, it's time-consuming, but it's also inexpensive and fun, so I'm not too concerned about my new habit. If I've got to stay at home and take care of a grouchy old man, I may as well have some fun while I'm doing it, right? Glad you agree.

2009-02-08T22:13:00.002-06:00

It's been a different kind of Sunday. I didn't go to church this morning due to the annual church council going on in Hattiesburg. There was a Morning Prayer Service at St. Philip's, but with no choir, no music, so I took the day off. This afternoon I had unexpected company, then we went out to Pan Asia for dinner, so it was good day.

Mike hasn't been able to get out of bed all day. He's got a pain behind his right knee. I'm afraid he's got a new blood clot. He didn't want to go back to the hospital, so I didn't call 911. But yesterday he got out of bed several times and walked around in his room. Today, his right leg won't hold him up. Something's going on, like regressing instead of progressing. I have to call the doctor tomorrow or the nurse, at least.

There have been some interesting pictures posted over on my FB, Lyn had some from our 20th class reunion that I don't ever recall seeing, so if you're on Facebook go look at them. Still hard to believe I was that skinny.

2009-02-06T15:18:00.003-06:00

Yesterday was an anxious day, today is much better. Yesterday I was sleep deprived, last night I got a full night's rest. Makes all the difference in the world for me, always has; I just don't function well without my sleep.

Today my doctor gave me a month's supply of Lunesta samples and told me to take one every night whether I thought I needed it or not, so I'll quit worrying about getting dependent on them. He's also added Celexa to my daily regimen, one of the few antidepressants that doesn't cause weight gain but does cause insomnia for some. Maybe that's why he told me to take the Lunesta every night.

Benji is 41 years old today. Happy birthday, Son! He's spending the day with Pip who will be 4 on the 15th, and he actually spoke to his Gramma on the phone when I called. That was a first. Glad you're enjoying your special day, Benji.

2009-02-04T22:50:00.003-06:00

Another busy Wednesday! I went to the aerobics class at the Y this morning, same one I frequently attended back in '05 and '06. M,W,F at 9:30, just like it's been forever, and they're still dancing to the oldies on a cassette tape. Great fun, good workout, so glad I went. Then lunch with the Water Lilies in Madison.

This afternoon the nurse came and the occupational therapist. The nurse tested Mike's O2 level and it was 99, so he's getting plenty of oxygen now. She also wants the doctor to prescribe some fluid pills to see if it would get rid of the swelling in his feet and ankles. The OT wanted him to sit in a straight back chair for 10 minutes, but he only did it for 7 minutes before he began feeling faint. He's still very weak. She wants him to do it 4 times a day to build up his strength. It's up to me to make sure he does it, of course, and so far, he hasn't been very cooperative.

Tonight was choir rehearsal and dinner afterwards. And that's the best note to end the day on - good food, good company, good night!

2009-02-03T16:27:00.003-06:00

I worked out this afternoon at the Reservoir Y, did 20 minutes on the bicycle, then several weight machines. Miraculously, my routine card from 3 years ago was still in the file drawer, complete with my notes and postings of 6 mos. of regular workouts. It was gratifying to look back and see where I was then and realize I could pick up where I left off. I've lost weight since then and done mostly water aerobics. It must have helped.

I hope the exercise helps the trouble I've had sleeping ever since Mike had his accident. I wake up with anxiety attacks and have trouble going back to sleep. Several people have told me that exercise gets rid of a lot of the toxic stress hormones that build up, and that these hormones interfere with restful sleep. Deep tissue massage also helps, and I'm planning to get another of those soon.

Mike's condition has improved a little. The antibiotic must have knocked out whatever infection there was. His spirits and disposition have improved slightly, but he's still very weak and not interested in doing the exercises that the physical therapist and occupational therapist advised him to do. His appetite seems to be a little better, too. He's really not hard to care for since he's in the bed and satisfied to be there. One day at a time!

Did you see Obama admitting, "I screwed up," in regard to the two cabinet picks who had tax problems? I'm glad we've finally got someone who is man enough to say, "Yes, I made a mistake." It's quite refreshing.

I hate that Tom Daschle will not be involved in health care reform, he would have been a good person to head that effort, but I also hate that prominent people are so careless in paying their taxes. Over 90% of Americans say they have no tolerance for people who don't pay the taxes they owe. That such a high percentage of people believe in paying their taxes no matter who is in the White House or which party is in control speaks well for us, don't you think? I must admit that I begrudgingly paid mine during the previous administration. Very begrudgingly.

2009-02-01T16:53:00.002-06:00

Our choir sang ""Have You not Heard" and "Ye Shall Have a Song" from Randall Thompson's "Peaceable Kingdom," this morning, and God's grace got us through it in fine fashion once again. It's an 8 part anthem that really stretched our little choir, but miraculously we did it. There's this honors college choir doing it on YouTube. Listen to them, then imagine 20 mostly older adults singing this, and you will get some idea of the challenge we had.

Not being able to access my account on Facebook this afternoon has put me in a funky mood. Why is that? I depend way too much on my computer for entertainment.

I did get one computer snafu ironed out though, so that made me feel a little better. In changing to AT&T's new homepage, they hijacked my MS Outlook email service, changing it to Yahoo Webmail, instead. Thankfully, I was able to reach a nice and knowledgeable tech support person in North Carolina who fixed it back just the way it was. He said they had had a lot of complaints about it.

I've got the Super Bowl on, mainly so I can see the halftime show. I've never been a huge Bruce Springsteen fan, but the older I get, the more I like him. There were a couple of parties I could have gone to, but it's raining and getting colder and I really was not in a party mood, so I'm quite content to be at home.

Okay, well I finally got back into Facebook, I saw the 12 minutes of "The Boss," and have watched the Steelers win the Super Bowl in the last 35 seconds of the game. Woohoo! I'm glad there were other more interesting things going on around me than this, but that's for another day.

2009-01-30T20:11:00.003-06:00

Well, lookey here! Will wonders never cease! This has got to be some kind of cosmic joke on the racist good ole boys who have grumbled ever since Obama won the election. The RNC has elected Michael Steele as the president of the GOP. What are these GOBs of the GOP gonna do with all their epithets? I mean, who are they going to use them on now? They have a black man as the head of their party!

I had another of those GOBs as a visitor in my home today and had to just about bite my tongue into to keep from inviting him to leave. He was so upset about the election that he said he's considering moving to Costa Rica. I almost offered to help him pack, but didn't. So this unexpected news from the RNC just made my day. I had to laugh out loud when I heard it. More than once. I'm still laughing.

I know most Republicans are not racists, but the only ones I've encountered (up close and personal) lately are as bigoted as any I've ever known. They are stuck in the 50's and 60's with their John Birch daddies and haven't adjusted to the idea that white guys don't control everything anymore. They resent civil rights and women's rights, and try to dress it up in Christian piety, which makes me gag. Is there any hope that they will ever learn tolerance and respect and the benefits of diversity?

I just think the whole thing looks like another case of "me-tooism." The Democrats had a strong candidate and campaigner in Hillary Clinton, so what did they do? Go to Alaska and get Sarah Palin. Hey, she wears a skirt! What's the difference?

The Democrats run a strong African-American candidate who actually wins with a healthy majority, so they pick the only Republican African-American to have held elected office to run their party. Looks like desperate tokenism to me.

I'm sorry, but this tickled my funny bone.

2009-01-29T21:12:00.002-06:00

In an article I read today, Writers on Writing: John Updike by Richard Nordquist, I gleaned a couple of paragraphs that reinforce some thoughts I've had about blogging. Comparing Updike's writing to something as amateurish as blogging will seem irreverent to some, but these general principles can apply, nonetheless.

Setting Quotas
It's good to have a certain doggedness to your technique. In college I was struck by the fact that Bernard Shaw, who became a playwright only after writing five novels, would sit in the British Museum, the reading room, and his quota was something like maybe five pages a day, but when he got to the last word on the last page--whether it was the middle of a sentence--he would stop. So this notion that when you have a quota, whether it's two pages or--three is how I think of it, three pages--that it's a fairly modest quota, but nevertheless if you do it, really do it, the stuff will accumulate.(Academy of Achievement, June 12, 2004)

The Writer's News About Being Alive
There's a kind of confessional impulse that not every literate, intelligent person has. A crazy belief that you have some exciting news about being alive, and I guess that more than talent is what separates those who do it from those who think they'd like to do it. That your witness to the universe can't be duplicated, that only you can provide it, and that it's worth providing.(quoted by Mark Feeny in "John Updike, Literature's Wide-Ranging Master, Is Dead at 76," The Boston Globe, January 28, 2009)

My goal when I started this blog was to chronicle, from my own perspective, my observations of the world around me, current events and the not-so-current, whether my world is confined to the walls within my own house, the neighborhood in which I live, or the larger world that comes to me through newspapers, online stories, or the idiot box. And my daily quota is a mere three paragraphs, a held over rule from a business letter writing course I took in junior college, that a business letter more than three paragraphs long will not be read or appreciated. (Did anybody else ever hear that rule? Our attention spans were already getting shorter 40+ years ago, I guess.)

Well, as Updike said, "the stuff will accumulate," and I can attest to that. This is Post #974 since I started Ms. Sippi. That I have been as consistent with it as I have has astounded even me. And that I might have the nerve to publish some of the things I publish has astounded others. But who else sees what I see and sees it like I see it and tells it like I tell it. Not one other person in the whole universe! And that one or two other people find what I tell worth reading astounds me, too.

My daily quota has been met.

2009-01-28T22:05:00.003-06:00

If I have nothing beautiful all week, I can count on going to choir, either on Wednesday nights or Sunday mornings and finding beauty. My whole week may be full of mediocrity, but on Wednesday nights and Sunday mornings, I will find excellence, and I am a part of it. It's my oasis in the desert.

Mike actually let me give him a bath this morning before the home health nurse came. The nursing assistant came at the same time as the nurse to bathe him and change the sheets on the bed, so we're going to have to work out a better schedule. His blood pressure was low, both his feet and ankles are swollen. I told her about his poor appetite, his weakness, his shortness of breath, and she's reporting it all to the doctor, still don't know if he will prescribe oxygen.

I've had a busy day. The Water Lilies ate at the Hilton for lunch. I love those ladies, and with them, I don't even feel guilty that I'm not doing water aerobics right now. They still inspire me. This afternoon my water aerobics partner and friend came in from her 6 week sabbatical on the coast unexpectedly, so we had a nice visit. My handyman was here to do a couple of odd jobs, then tonight I went to choir. Had it not been Wednesday, I would have spent the day inside by the fire with a good book, it was one of those cold, wet wintry days, but Wednesdays are much too busy. Yesterday we were in shorts and flip-flops; today we're all layers and sweats.

Gotta love Mississippi!

2009-01-27T21:10:00.002-06:00

Mike's condition continues to deteriorate. He's not able to do much but sleep and watch TV. His appetite is poor, his disposition is surly, his personal hygiene is non-existent, and he won't let me bathe him. I did manage to get him out of the bed long enough to change the sheets after he spilled his drink today. He sat on the cedar chest at the end of the bed and was so weak he was trembling the whole time and threatening to fall in the floor.

I plan to ask the nurse tomorrow if we need to consider hospice. She's got direct access to the doctor, and can give him medical facts to make the case for it. They started him on an antibiotic Monday. Tests on blood drawn on Saturday indicated a low-grade infection of some sort.

This experience has required me to stretch quite a bit. I'm finally over most of the anger I was feeling about Mike's self-inflicted injuries, and actually feel some compassion for him. His irritability is not annoying me like it used to, in fact, I hardly recognize the sweet, cheerful nurse who is attending this cantankerous old man. I think her name may be Grace. And she came as an answer to YOUR PRAYERS.

Thank you.

2009-01-26T10:10:00.005-06:00

While I appreciate people praying about my Pro-Choice position, I resent the assumption that I haven't prayed about it. The bottom line is: I'm Pro-Life, too, but my concern is for more than the 9 month gestation period. It's Pre-Natal through Medicare; not just the 9 month pregnancy, but through age 99, if life lasts that long.

I care about women's health, their access to health services and family planning services. I care about women's protection from any political system that oppresses them and denies them the right to determine for themselves if and when they are ready to become mothers. I pray for people who are still blinded by the old patriarchal beliefs that men can rape and abuse and subject women to their rule.

So please don't assume that because I am Pro-Choice that I am not also Pro-Life. And please consider the possibility that working together we can cut down on the number of and the necessity for abortions. It's women in poverty who suffer the most from unplanned pregnancies and limited or no access to reproductive health services. Women of means will always have access to information on reproduction, contraceptives, and abortions with the simple purchase of an airline ticket. Poor women, more often than not, do not have those options.

Just as I would never ask you, "Why do you hate poor people?" please don't send me anymore questions like, "Why do you hate babies?" Nobody loves babies more than me. It's time we drop the hateful rhetoric and work together to improve the lives of all babies and their parents, the rich and the poor, the ignorant and the educated, the Christians and the non-Christians, the worthy and the unworthy. Let's focus our energies and efforts on those things that are Pro-Life for all.

Mississippians can take a step in the direction of authentic PRO-LIFE by calling Senator Thad Cochran at 202-224-5054 and telling him to support the SCHIP Reauthorization with the ICHIA Provision. Millions of children without insurance need this program which provides access to the health care they need to learn and grow.

To quote Bishop Duncan Gray: How much better would our common life be if we sought less to find the soil on the soul of the other and worked harder to discover the image of God in the one with whom we most passionately disagree.

Grant, O God, that your holy and life-giving Spirit may so move every human heart and especially the hearts of the people of this land, that barriers which divide us may crumble, suspicions disappear, and hatreds cease; that our divisions being healed, we may live in justice and peace; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen. (BCP)

2009-01-25T20:44:00.002-06:00

This morning's Eucharist was especially enjoyable to me. The music seemed more meaningful, the sermon was good, the people all seemed warmer and friendlier than usual. I left with that happy, peaceful feeling that I'd been deeply blessed and that all would be well. Church usually makes me happy, but today was unusually good. One of the anthems we did a cappello has been singing itself in my head all afternoon. There is a video on YouTube of the same arrangement and the words are:

Lord, for thy tender mercy's sake,
lay not our sins to our charge,
but forgive that is past,
and give us grace to amend our sinful lives.
To decline from sin and incline to virtue,
that we may walk in a perfect heart before thee,
now and evermore. Amen

(from Lidley's Prayers, 1566)

Ron stayed with Mike while I was gone. He had not seen him in about two weeks and was distressed by how much worse his condition appears to be. Maybe I should have prepared him better. The last time he saw him was in the nursing home a couple of weeks ago. He had taken Mike out for a couple of hours to ride around, get some fresh air and change of scenery. Today he saw someone who can't get out of the bed and has trouble carrying on a conversation. I guess it was quite a shock. I'm glad they had a good visit before this one.

From everything I've heard and read about pulmonary emboli, it's usually fatal, especially when the patient isn't getting any kind of anticoagulant therapy or is unable to move around. The nurse and I both noticed yesterday that his left leg is larger than his right leg, like it's swollen. Is there a new clot in his leg? Possibly, but without another ultrasound, I'm not sure how to know.

We still need your prayers.

2009-01-24T19:12:00.006-06:00

The home health nurse came today, much to my surprise. She said Mike is qualified for several services, including physical therapy, occupational therapy, and assistance for baths, grooming, etc, plus the RN coming once a week to check on him. I should have asked about this sooner.

Our neighbor Art agreed to be "on call" while I left and went to a wedding this afternoon and the grocery store. I wish he would get over Obama winning the election and women having the right to determine what happens with their own bodies. How long has it been since white guys were in control of everything? Several decades? Sheesh! But he's got a lot of good traits and he has been very helpful to me, especially with Mike. We both claim to be Christians, so I'll pray for him and the rest of my Christian brothers and sisters, and depend on someone more powerful than myself to drag him into the 21st century.

The wedding was simple, but beautiful. The choir's music got several compliments, and it was lovely. I always enjoy the reactions of people who are surprised by the way we do weddings in the Episcopal church. It's a worship service, complete with communion, hymns, anthems, scriptures and prayers, not nearly as frivolous and secular as some.

Tomorrow Mike's friend Ron is coming out to stay with him while I go to church in the morning. I'll probably stop and pick up lunch for all of us before I come home.

As the Beatles said, I get by with a little help from my friends.

2009-01-23T18:29:00.002-06:00

I wish I could wake up in the morning with a burning desire to do nothing but clean house, and enough focused energy to stick with it until it's done. Today I got as far as getting dishes loaded into the dishwasher before I was distracted and off in a different direction. That's the way it usually is with me. So today I hired a housecleaning service. Knowing they will be here Tuesday morning will make me do something with the clutter between now and then.

Mike is still in the bed, listless, debilitated, weak. I talked with the nurse at our doctor's office today, and she said he wasn't supposed to be trying to climb stairs at all. I was trying to get them to authorize nursing assistance from a home health agency, and she did say he would send someone to do a medical evaluation, but I didn't understand who or when. With it being Friday, it probably won't happen until next week.

He only climbed the stairs on Saturday and Sunday, and he's been in his bed ever since. If the doctor told me to keep him downstairs, I missed it. What I remember is his saying he should be able to do it, if he were able to do it before his fall. I don't think I imagined that. I remember mentioning that the hospital bed is still here, but what I didn't say is that it's in about 20 pieces and I wouldn't have any idea how to put it together. I also remember telling him that all the bedrooms and full baths are upstairs.

Things like this make me feel totally incompetent and crazy. I was trying so hard to pay attention to everything the doctor said. Did I get his instructions confused? Maybe I should have insisted on written instructions. Well, it's too late now.

I did get renters for the townhouse today, a couple from Pensacola. They went so far as to pay a deposit, so it looks like they were serious. That would be a huge load off my mind. Staying solvent ain't easy with a 3 month vacancy. The man was sold on the location when he crossed the spillway and saw all the fishermen below the dam. Let's hope everything turns out good when I check their references, something else that will have to wait until Monday. Cross your fingers.

Part 3 - Amazing Grace Sung at National Cathedral by Dr. Wintley Phipps

2009-01-21T17:21:00.001-06:00

I knew it wouldn't take long. Here is Dr. Wintley Phipps in this morning's Inaugural Prayer Service from the National Cathedral and his amazing rendition of Amazing Grace.

2009-01-21T10:29:00.003-06:00

I just watched the National Prayer Service from the National Cathedral in Washington DC. Talk about powerful! Wow. If you were not fortunate enough to see it, you can see it on the National Cathedral site. The program is available there, too. I watched most of it on C-Span, to get the whole service without commentary, and the video can be seen there, as well. And if Dr. Wintley Phipps' rendition of Amazing Grace doesn't bring tears to your eyes or run chills down your spine, you need to check your pulse. This morning's performance hasn't hit YouTube, yet, but his Carnegie Hall performance of this powerful hymn and a background story to go with it are here, complete with Bill Gaither's Homecoming Choir doing backup.

Mike still doesn't feel like getting up, and seems quite content to stay in the bed with the dogs on the bed with him. He seems to have a new appreciation for being at home. Nursing homes do that to some people, I understand.

I'm planning to eat lunch with the Water Lilies today. Sway's Restaurant is only about 5 minutes away from our house, so I can get home quickly, in case of emergency. I missed a couple of parties last night that I'd hoped to attend, but just didn't feel comfortable about leaving Mike here alone. With the temps going back down into the 20's, I didn't mind so much. His friend Steve is planning to come over tonight while I go to choir rehearsal.

2009-01-20T11:59:00.002-06:00

"He'll never get the nomination. You know that, don't you?" my narrow-minded neighbor needled me.
"No, I don't know that. I know he's going to be our President. It's time."

"He'll never win the election. You know that, don't you?" the bigoted good-ole-boy badgered me.
"No, I don't know that. I know he's going to be our President. It's time."

"He'll never live to be inaugurated. You know that, don't you?" the grumpy old guy groused.
"No, I don't know that. I know he's going to be our President. It's time."

2009-01-19T21:24:00.002-06:00

I've been cold all day, seems our high didn't go above 46*, and I've had on more heat than usual, and more clothes than usual, but still, I'm cold. Sure hope I'm not coming down with something. I've been exposed many times to all the crud that's going around, but so far, I've been lucky.

My patient has stayed in the bed all day, just didn't feel like getting up and getting dressed. It sure makes my house more comfortable not to have loud, vulgar TV shows blaring downstairs, and an explosive drunk stumbling around. I do hope Mike recovers and doesn't have to spend the rest of his life in bed, but for now he's an invalid. And he's much easier to help and manage when he stays in his room.

I'm back in the watching TV habit. I probably didn't watch it 3 hours while Mike was gone those 4 weeks, but with Obama's inauguration tomorrow and all the excitement surrounding this historic event, I'm once again interested in politics. The most gratifying part of all this is the number of Republicans who are enthusiastic and optimistic about the Obama presidency. I'll declare! I believe there's a new wave of patriotism sweeping the nation. God bless America and the planet she inhabits!

2009-01-18T12:47:00.004-06:00

Mike was still in the bed this morning when I got up about 7:30, and that scared me. I've never known him to stay in the bed that late. He didn't feel like getting up, he said. He looked pale. He dressed and came downstairs but was winded and immediately had to sit down, and asked me to fix his breakfast for him. After eating, he lay down on the sofa and stayed there for the next 4 hours.

He struggled again to climb the stairs so he could shower and get ready to eat birthday lunch with his friends. He was so tired after he got to the bedroom, he lay down again to rest and stayed there for 30 minutes before attempting to get in the shower. After he undressed and made his way to the bathroom, he sat down and said, "I really don't feel like doing this. Call Steve and Ron and tell them I'm sorry, but I'm going back to bed." He's in his birthday suit, appropriate for his birthday, I guess, and sound asleep. His color is a greenish-gray. He probably needs oxygen, but I don't have any to give him. He didn't want me to call 911, so I'm letting him rest. What else can I do?

2009-01-17T22:34:00.003-06:00

It was 4:30 before the doctor came to sign the discharge order for Mike. It was about 5:30 when we got back home. It took only 30 minutes for him to lose his temper and become churlish. Ah me, my 4-week vacation is over. I did tell him immediately that I would not tolerate that attitude and language, and he apologized. The dogs are back in his room to sleep. Jay-Jay looked unhappy about it, but Gus settled in to the old routine like it was no big deal. He was more excited about seeing them than they were to see him.

Tomorrow is Mike's 59th birthday. He's planning to eat lunch with a couple of buddies, and has promised he will order tea to drink. His friends have told me they will make sure he has no alcohol. Until his vision and reflexes have been tested, he's not supposed to drive. I probably need to go hide the car keys before he gets up in the morning. I hid all the wine and the corkscrews before I went to the hospital.

Mike struggled to climb the stairs this evening, and looked winded when he got to the top. He doesn't seem to have the stamina he had; another fall would be disastrous. But with all our bedrooms being upstairs, he doesn't have much choice, does he? He didn't mention the new paint on the walls. I'm not sure he noticed; I don't think he did. I'm not going to call his attention to it and see how long it takes him to say something.

This is not going to be easy.

2009-01-16T22:02:00.003-06:00

Whee! The painter finished just in time for Mike's discharge. He's coming home tomorrow. I've got major renovation to do in his bedroom before I pick him up. Everything got shoved in there out of the way of the painting. What a mess! Oh good, there's plenty of room under his bed.

Mike's prognosis is shaky. His doctors have decided against doing any anti-coagulant therapy, said the risk is greater with brain bleeds than with new clots forming. However, the clots they have found developed since he was discharged from St. Dominic's on Dec. 30th. They did an ultra-sound test and found none on that date. So multiple emboli have formed in the last 17 days. And the likelihood of more forming is high. The man is living on borrowed time, but he's said that ever since I met him. He's pretty good at beating the odds.

I still don't have renters for the vacant apartment, but two women looked at it today and said they wanted it. Let's hope everything checks out okay. One less worry would be nice.

2009-01-15T23:04:00.003-06:00

Mike had another dizzy spell this morning, same symptoms as yesterday, so this time the nurse called and said he needed to be seen by his cardiologist. I took him to St. Dominic's ER where they found multiple blood clots in his lungs and one in his right leg. Tonight they did a surgical procedure to place an IVC filter in his lungs, which will prevent a clot from going to his heart or his brain. Not sure what they will do about the one in his leg.

They knew there was a risk of this when they stopped his Coumadin after the fall, but they didn't start another anti-coagulant therapy because they didn't want the brain injuries to start bleeding again, one of those "damned if you do, and damned if you don't" situations.

He tolerated the minor surgery well without anesthesia. Since no one told us he shouldn't eat tonight, and since he had not had any food since breakfast and was very hungry, I ordered a tray of food for him, after they got him checked into his room. An hour later, the night nurse comes in and says, "Oh, you shouldn't have eaten. They want to do surgery tonight and if I give you anesthesia, it will make you very nauseated. So we can do it without anesthesia, or we can wait until in the morning, it's up to you, but the doctor thinks we need to do it tonight."

I couldn't believe it! I mean, what kind of choice is that? He elected to do it without anesthesia when the nurse described it as uncomfortable, rather than painful. Made me wish I hadn't been so "helpful" in ordering dinner for him.

We still need your prayers.

My painter called yesterday to make a deal about the walls I didn't get done, so I told him to come back and do them. He says he can be finished by noon on Friday. I've also decided to replace the old, ragged mini-blinds with new wide-slat blinds. He said he would install those for me, too. As my grandmother often said: When a job is once begun, never leave it 'til it's done. Be it great or be it small, do it well or not at all.

The Deedo in me will be much better satisfied with the complete job, rather than the half-assed one.

2009-01-14T22:31:00.003-06:00

I was having a great day until Mike called and told me he had had a dizzy spell. It happened right after lunch, he said, in the therapy room. He was tossing a beach ball with the PT, got tired and had to lie down. They let him rest, then he tried to get up again and got dizzy. When they took his blood pressure it was low, his oxygen count was low and his speech was slurred. They walked him back to his room and hooked him up to oxygen. A couple of hours later, he called me, and told me what happened and said he felt fine. No one from the nursing home ever called, and I'm thinking they should have.

By the time I got there, the day nurse was gone, the night nurse was on and she didn't know anything about this episode. The doctor, who had been making rounds but got called back to the hospital for an emergency, had not seen him. When the nurse called the doctor, he said Mike needed to go to the ER, but they didn't offer to call an ambulance, and they looked to me to persuade him to go. I guess they expected me to carry him in my car. He refused to go.

His BP was okay when they checked it, the oxygen count was a little low, so they put the oxygen back on him, but his speech was not slurred and he insisted he felt fine. I'm really not qualified to diagnose his symptoms, but it sounded like a TIA to me. The nurse did all the checks for a stroke, but since he already has had a stroke, that's pretty much useless. I stayed with him for over an hour, and he was talking and joking, so I left for choir rehearsal. I don't know anything else I could have done, except call 911 myself and insist they take him. With him refusing to go, I'm not sure they would have.

I really believe the nursing home mishandled this. I've got to talk to them in the morning to find out what their policy is in cases like this. If he is their patient, aren't they supposed to be making decisions for him in his best interest? There may not have been any harm done, but if something like this happens again, I want him carried to the ER, whether he agrees to go or not.

And this makes me even more nervous about bringing him home.

2009-01-13T20:15:00.003-06:00

This morning I met with Amy, the social worker at the nursing home, who had called a care team meeting together. Mike attended the meeting also. She told me that Mike did not meet the criteria for admission to MRC. The wheels in my head were already working overtime, trying to come up with a plan for bringing him home on the 19th.

I talked with Dr. Irby after that and told him that I had to have some system of accountability in place before I allow him back here to live. He agreed, "Absolutely!" and wants to do a thorough neuro-psych evaluation ASAP. Only by comparing new results with results they got in 2004 following the stroke can an accurate assessment be made, he said, and a proper course of action be prescribed. He thinks with counseling and AA, Mike will be okay.

For now, Mike is saying he wants to stay sober, so that pretty much negates the need for an intervention. I’ve also set some limits about his monopolizing the downstairs every afternoon with the noisy television (and the drinking), so he’s thinking of switching his gym and clinic time (PT and OT) from morning hours to afternoon hours, then maybe going to an AA meeting while he’s out.

All of his friends have promised me that their shared activities will not include alcohol. I don’t want him driving until his vision and his reflexes have been tested, and Dr. Irby said both those areas are covered on the exam he wants to do. Until I’m assured he can drive safely and is committed to staying sober, he will have to be driven everywhere he goes, not something I’m ready to do full-time, but will do short term, if necessary.

The painter finished his job today, so I've made a dent in the mess. I wish I had told him to do all the walls while he was working, but I was ready for him to leave, so that can wait a month or two.

2009-01-12T21:52:00.002-06:00

What a day! If I ever get my house straight and clean it will be a major miracle. My painter has not finished, so everything is still out of place and getting messier every day. I'm usually okay with a moderately messy place, but this mess is even getting on my nerves. It's ridiculous!

This afternoon, I visited with Mike, who thinks he is coming home on the 18th, and he may be right. The brain injury nurse from MRC interviewed him today and gave him the impression that his injuries do not warrant in-patient hospitalization. I still haven't talked with her, so I'm not sure what the score is. I've got to have firm boundaries and some system of accountability in place before I will be comfortable with him here again. Even though he's been sober for over 3 weeks now, I don't trust him to stay sober by sheer will power. He will have to go to AA, get a sponsor, work the program, and go to counseling. He's ready to do whatever I ask, he said.

My night was capped off with a homeowners' association meeting where we elected the Board of Governors for the year, the same board members we had, except for one new guy. These people all deserve extra stars in their crown for the hassle they've been through in 2008. They did a superb job and got us out of the red. Our troublemaker didn't get nearly as much attention in this meeting as she's been getting in previous meetings. They called the sheriff whose deputy escorted her outside for disturbing the peace. Way to go, Ladies!

2009-01-11T18:51:00.004-06:00

There was a Q&A session with Presiding Bishop Katharine Jefforts-Schori at our church this afternoon. It drew a capacity crowd to St. Philip's, something we rarely see except on Goat Roast Sunday. I was so impressed by her easy, relaxed manner and her sensible, sensitive responses to some really tough questions. The first question was about "changes" that have made one of our longtime communicants uncomfortable, and the last question concerned Leviticus 18:22 and whether we, as Episcopalians, consider it relevant today. In between those two bookends, we had a brave Baptist in the crowd who expressed his hope that the Episcopal Church continued to stay at the cutting edge and to lead Christians into the 21st Century, even though most will go kicking and screaming, and another poor soul who seemed quite resentful of "homosexuals who have invaded our church," plus several other inquiries regarding such varied topics as evangelism, Middle-East Conflict, the UN's Millennium Development Goals, and open communion. Our Bishop was calm and unruffled throughout. Unlike Oprah, I guess she has heard it all and probably knew pretty much what to expect.

Father Tom delivered another excellent homily this morning regarding the baptism of Jesus, and how radical he was and how radical we, as Christians, should be. Then we renewed our Baptismal Vows:

Celebrant: Do you believe in God the Father?
People: I believe in God, the Father almighty,
creator of heaven and earth.

Celebrant: Do you believe in Jesus Christ, the Son of God?
People: I believe in Jesus Christ, his only Son, our Lord.
He was conceived by the power of the Holy Spirit
and born of the Virgin Mary.
He suffered under Pontius Pilate,
was crucified, died, and was buried.
He descended to the dead.
On the third day he rose again.
He ascended into heaven,
and is seated at the right hand of the Father.
He will come again to judge the living and the dead.

Celebrant: Do you believe in God the Holy Spirit?
People: I believe in the Holy Spirit,
the holy catholic Church,
the communion of saints,
the forgiveness of sins,
the resurrection of the body,
and the life everlasting.

Celebrant: Will you continue in the apostles’ teaching and
fellowship, in the breaking of bread, and in the prayers?
People: I will, with God’s help.

Celebrant: Will you persevere in resisting evil, and, whenever you fall into
sin, repent and return to the Lord?
People: I will, with God’s help.

Celebrant: Will you proclaim by word and example the Good
News of God in Christ?
People: I will, with God’s help.

Celebrant: Will you seek and serve Christ in all persons, loving
your neighbor as yourself?
People: I will, with God’s help.

Celebrant: Will you strive for justice and peace among all
people, and respect the dignity of every human
being?
People: I will, with God’s help.

* * * * * * *
In between the morning service and the afternoon meeting, I picked up a lunch at Arby's and visited with Mike. He has shaved a small patch on the right side of his face and says that's all he intends to shave. The rest has a very scruffy 3-week beard on it. I'm wondering if his vision was impaired by the eye injury and he isn't seeing well enough to do the rest, but I didn't ask. He was quite touchy about the whole subject. He ate his roll and his dessert and left the fried chicken, potatoes, and green beans on his plate, said he had a big breakfast and wasn't hungry. He called this evening asking about the Bishop's session, and said he wished he had eaten more lunch. I have a feeling he didn't leave any of his dinner on the plate.

2009-01-10T16:52:00.002-06:00

My day started on a happy note - a meeting with my Dream Group, then lunch afterwards, and a shopping trip to Hancock's. We've undertaken a sewing project to make patchwork/fleece jackets with our Chickadee insignia on each jacket, and I still had not bought my fabric. One of our members referred to us frequently as Chickadees, so we adopted the name for our group and another member designed a Chickadee logo for us. It should be a fun group project for a cold winter afternoon when not much else is going on.

Then I visited Mike and had a very difficult conversation with him. He's homesick and wants to come home and promises to do whatever I say if I just let him come home.

I stood my ground as gently as possible without giving into his emotional plea. I'm not sure he understands that he has new injuries that need to be treated, so I explained it all again. He refuses to agree with me that his judgment is impaired due to prefrontal cortex damage, and thinks he can stay sober just by saying, "I'll never drink again."

He doesn't want more therapy except what he was already doing for the stroke, and he certainly doesn't want treatment for alcohol abuse. "I hate all that Big Book junk!" he told me. He claims not to remember drinking more than 2 glasses of wine on the day he fell.

Is it denial, memory failure, confusion, stubbornness, what? He did agree to cooperate before I left, and when I got home there was a message from him thanking me for caring enough to help him.

Just keep praying, that's all I can say.

2009-01-09T21:08:00.003-06:00

Most of the painting got done today, some more to be done Monday, but the ladders and scaffolding and drop cloths have been removed, so I have easier access to my stairs. I should have made sure I would get two coats of paint before Jimmy started this job, but I didn't, and now he's insisting that one will be enough. The paint is a light shade of yellow, so thin spots and imperfections are hard to see. Maybe when the sun comes out tomorrow, I can tell if there are any and where they are.

Methodist Rehab is working on getting Mike admitted. Since Medicare is paying for him to be at the nursing home through the 18th, I don't expect the transfer to occur until the 19th, but they may want to do it sooner, that wasn't clear when I talked to the admitting nurse today.

He was right about the NASD exam, but it was scheduled for 1:30 today, not Thursday, and the rescheduling fee is only $75, not $200. In his case, there will probably not be a fee assessed, the lady said. I was pleasantly surprised that he was able to recall something like that. I've heard of blind people getting severe blows to their head and their vision is restored. Maybe his injuries will have some beneficial effects. Getting him sober and motivated to stay sober is the best benefit.

2009-01-08T21:04:00.002-06:00

My house is in the biggest mess. My handyman Jimmy got a bad headache from the Kilz he used in the stairwell and had to quit after painting for less than an hour. So now I have ladders, scaffolding, and drop cloths taking up most of that space, and making the stairs very difficult to traverse. Plus, I got a headache from the fumes, too, even though we opened doors and windows and turned on every fan in the house and a couple of borrowed fans. What other irritant will be rubbing against my raw nerves next?

I had a 2:00 appointment, then went shopping, mainly to avoid coming back to the house. The delightful surprise I got while shopping was to see that Size 12 jeans were too big for me in the waist. I could hardly believe it, but I tried on 3 pairs. The 10's were too small, the 12's too big, so for now I'll stick with what I've got. They're all 12's, but with elasticized waists, so they fit everywhere, a little baggy, but old and comfortable, like me.

Tonight I went to the meeting of RCFDW at the Pearl Library. I really enjoy this group of women. Sue Livingston gave me another picture, which I will scan and publish soon. She's the one who took the picture I used with the Nov. 16, 2008 post. When I told her that the blog got hits that day from all over, including Washington DC, she was thrilled.

Nothing has been resolved about getting Mike into Methodist Rehab. He's saying now that he needs to come home because he doesn't believe they can help him. I think they can, and I'm not ready for him to come home, so he may as well accept it.

He continues to call me before 8:00, which is the boundary I set from Day 1, and he doesn't understand what the big deal is about waking me up before the time I set, but then he's never known what it's like to consider anyone else's feelings about anything. The brain injuries have just exacerbated his worst traits, but now I can't blame the alcohol. It's very frustrating. Keep us in your prayers.

2009-01-07T16:42:00.002-06:00

I don't normally watch Oprah, but Ed Bacon is one of her guests today, so I felt compelled to tune in. With 45 minutes of the program over, we've heard very little from him, so I'm disappointed, but I've heard some good advice from the other guests - Elizabeth Lesser and Michael Beckwith.

Okay, he just made his mark, "Being gay is a gift from God," which made Oprah's jaw drop. Then the other minister agreed with him, and she was stunned. Oprah claims never to have heard a minister say that. I would have thought Oprah had heard everything. Oh, well, I'm glad she finally heard it and that she heard it from one of my spiritual heroes.

I enjoyed a good lunch with the Water Lilies today, then went to the consignment shop in the same shopping center where I found the cutest boots, brand new, never worn, perfect fit, for $11.50! They definitely had my name on them. Now I'm headed to show the apartment (the woman who said she wanted it backed out), then the nursing home, then to choir rehearsal. The sun has been out all day, warm and bright, and my mood has improved considerably. Thanks to those of you who expressed concern. I am taking care of myself in every way I know how.

2009-01-06T22:16:00.003-06:00

We've had a typical January day here - cold, gray, raining, miserable. Some folks relish these days, and they do give us a great excuse to hibernate, but that's not always practical, is it? My blues just got a deeper shade of blue, and my anxiety surfaced several times. I've got to get a handle on this, but until certain matters are settled, I'm not sure how to do that.

I was grateful for the Epiphany Service at church tonight. Having something like that to look forward to all day helps, not sure if it's the camaraderie among choir members or the beautiful music or the socializing afterward at the auction. It was fun, and I tried to enjoy it, but like Eeyore, I couldn't completely shake that dark cloud that's been following me around everywhere.

I really don't want to be the pitiful person whom everyone avoids, but I get the feeling several people are deliberately avoiding me. If you've ever been through a divorce, you know how it is. Some people act like they think I've got something contagious, and they don't want to catch it. Well, everybody has their own threshold of pain and discomfort, so I'm trying not to take it personally, but there were a couple of shoulders I thought I could count on that have suddenly gone cold, and it hurts. They may be going through a crisis of their own, so I'll try not to judge them too harshly. And I do have plenty of friends who care enough to listen whether I need to rant, scream, or cry. I am truly blessed with good friends.

My visit with Mike today was pleasant until we started arguing about an NASD test scheduled on Thursday that he said I have to take him to. The National Assoc. of Securities Dealers may be giving exams on Thursday for agents who want to renew their licenses, but I don't intend to take him over there, and I'm hoping he doesn't mention it again. Maybe the whole idea will disappear as quickly as it appeared. He sounded totally irrational as he insisted that he doesn't have a choice about it.

Getting Mike back into Methodist Rehab still requires that I agree to let him come home at the end of his treatment, according to Dr. Irby. I hope they have some way to instill in his addled brain the need to stay away from alcohol. I'm really apprehensive about the prospect of bringing him home anytime soon.

2009-01-05T09:10:00.007-06:00

Are you missing out on the fun to be found at Facebook? The new finally wore off for me, but I still check in every morning with a status update and make the rounds among friends to see what's happening in their worlds. Facebook allows you to do that without intruding, and you can leave a comment on something they have posted, or not. I don't comment as much as I used to, but I still read their walls and get a feel for whether they are okay. I have a brand new appreciation for each of them, some of the most colorful, creative and compassionate people I know. We reveal things about ourselves that are not always possible to reveal in a personal encounter, so to me, that's a bonus. If you look for me on Facebook, I'm registered as Ceejay Garrett. There were already several Cathy Garrett's, and you know me, I had to be unique.

The "lack of privacy" bothers some friends I've mentioned Facebook to, but you can be as private as you choose to be. Some of my friends don't post nearly as often as I do, and don't tell nearly as much as I do, but "look, look, my heart is an open book..." (only you oldies but goodies will remember that). And even I have kept some things off Facebook and off this blog.

I've got my handyman Jimmy here today working on the hole in the wall. He's also going to paint the stairwell for me, and possibly the living and dining rooms. I got estimates last week on replacing the carpet, but decided to have it cleaned one more time instead. Eventually, I plan to take up the carpet and put down tile. The pattern I like the most is Salmon by Del Conca Roman Stone, with several colors all mixed in - red, pink, peach, yellow, tan, and gray. The picture here doesn't show all these, but they're in there, believe me. I've always admired Terra Cotta tile, but after I saw them side by side, I liked this one better.

Something tells me it's not the time to take on major expenditures right now. I may buy the tiles the old-fashioned way, monthly, a few at a time, until I have the number required for my 512 square feet downstairs. Then I won't have anything but labor to pay for when they are installed.

I talked to Mike and he was planning to take a shower, shave and brush his teeth before therapy. I'm sure his therapists will appreciate that. And I'm glad he's once again concerned about his personal hygiene. Sounds like we are headed in the right direction.

2009-01-04T19:38:00.002-06:00

Mike called at 2:30 this morning, waking me from the 3 hours sleep I'd had, and robbing me of more until about 5:45. Then I had to get up by 7:30 to make the early choir rehearsal at 9:15. We had to go over the anthems for Tuesday night's Epiphany Service. So I was quite tired until I got back home from church, lunch, and nursing home, and got a nap. Tonight the phones will be turned off and I'll probably take a Lunesta. I'm trying not to rely on sleeping pills. These were prescribed for Mike and he claimed not to be able to sleep without them. However, he's not getting them in the nursing home and seems to be sleeping fine without them. Funny how leaving off the alcohol improves situations like this.

My friend Pam pointed out at lunch that he's obviously got serious brain damage to do stupid stuff like calling me at 2:30 in the morning. Is he incapable of figuring out that alienating me works to his own disadvantage? It seems that way.

He was cordial when I visited today and asked me to take his cell phone home to charge the battery. He's bathing again, but complained about the shower curtain letting water drip on the floor. He's used to a shower with the glass doors and is afraid that stepping out on to a wet floor will cause him to fall. I immediately pointed out that he should put a towel on the floor to soak up the water, then realized that once again, I gave him a solution to a problem that I should have allowed him to think through and solve for himself, or at least, try to solve. We mothers/wives do that a lot, don't we?

Bye Bye Birdie - Lot of Livin' to Do

2009-01-03T19:22:00.001-06:00

Okay, it finally took, but in a seperate post. ENJOY!

2009-01-03T17:30:00.004-06:00

I missed the rehearsal today for our Mardi Gras program, which disappointed me greatly. The time was changed from what I wrote down a couple of weeks ago, and somehow I missed the email that told me. Makes me wonder what else I've missed. Carelessness or stress? Or a combination of the two?
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I was really looking forward to some dancing and singing, nothing, well, almost nothing, puts me in a better mood, but as it turned out they did none of the choreography today. And the songs are mostly new to me, since I haven't kept up with pop music lately. But we'll have a CD to help us learn the songs and YouTube has videos of them all.
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One of the numbers is not new at all, "A Lot of Livin' to Do" from Bye, Bye Birdie. (I tried to embed the video, but it didn't work. Click on the link for a real treat.) The movie came out in the 60's with Bobby Rydell and Ann Margaret. Man! I always wanted to dance like her. That looks like the most fun imaginable.
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I still regret not being permitted to dance as a teenager. My Baptist preacher daddy just didn't understand the bitter dissapointment I suffered from his not allowing me to attend the dances in high school. I did get to dance in the school musicals, and that was great fun, but I wanted to "twist and shout" with Richard and our other friends after the Friday night ballgames, and never got to. Of course, my friend Tonya and I spent many Saturday mornings dancing along with American Bandstand in her grandmother's living room. Still, it just wasn't the same.

The 60's dancing video was the second reminder I got this weekend of Tonya. One of the friends I went out with last night reminds me of her so much. Wish I had a picture of Paula to put beside this one of Tonya. They could easily pass for sisters.
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The other fun thing I did today was to eat breakfast with the Rankin County Democrats at Golden Corral. Some of the nicest people I've met in a long time, and so intelligent.
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My visit with Mike was not fun. He's still not accepting any responsibility for his current predicament, and doesn't want to talk about it. Ah, me. This is not going to be easy.

2009-01-02T16:26:00.003-06:00

When I visited with Mike today, our conversation sounded more like mother and son than wife and husband. He was immediately defensive when I asked if he had managed to get his shower without any trouble. "Don't start on me about taking a damn bath!" he snarled.

I changed the subject. He let me know real quick that I had interrupted his TV show, so I waited for a commercial to say anything else. He told me he was going home this week-end. "How are you going home?" I asked.

"Same way I got over here, drive my car!"

I told him again where he is and why he is where he is and how he got to where he is and why he won't be driving again until we're sure it's safe. He gave me a look full of daggers, but didn't say anything else. I only stayed about half an hour, telling him I had errands to run. It was clear to me that he has decided I'm the culprit in this whole fiasco and has a lot of anger about it. His attitude softened some when he realized I was leaving and he told me I looked real pretty. Is he trying to butter me up so I'll take him home? Probably.

I failed to say in yesterday's post that Dr. Irby is the one who told me Mike has pre-frontal cortex damage. One of my astute readers pointed that out. He had not reviewed all the records or the discharge notes from St. Dominic's, and wanted to do that before making a recommendation. I have a lot of confidence in Dr. Irby, especially since he's known and worked with Mike ever since his stroke. Since I haven't heard from him today, I guess it will be Monday.

Some Democratic friends have planned a GNO (girls night out) and have invited me to join them. I've never eaten at the restaurant where we're going. Maybe they can catch me up on all that's been happening in politics since the election. My interest has been minimal since then. I haven't watched the news or the talk shows, or read the paper or magazines. I think Mississippi Democrats are planning an inauguration party in Jackson, but I haven't heard for sure.

2009-01-01T19:54:00.005-06:00

Here's what Wikipedia says about the part of Mike's brain that was injured in the fall - the prefrontal cortex:

This brain region has been implicated in planning complex cognitive behaviors, personality expression, decision making and moderating correct social behavior. The basic activity of this brain region is considered to be orchestration of thoughts and actions in accordance with internal goals.

The most typical psychological term for functions carried out by the pre-frontal cortex area is executive function. Executive function relates to abilities to differentiate among conflicting thoughts, determine good and bad, better and best, same and different, future consequences of current activities, working toward a defined goal, prediction of outcomes, expectation based on actions, and social "control" (the ability to suppress urges that, if not suppressed, could lead to socially-unacceptable outcomes).

With that information, it's easy to see why rehab for alcoholism might not do much good. What I don't know is whether the injury is permanent or temporary. He's still planning to resume "Bub Days" (lunch dates where he over-indulges), according to what he said tonight when our friends Jon and Trish were visiting.

They, by contrast, are planning "Bub Days" where no alcohol is served at someplace like McAlister's. It's looking to me like Mike can never be trusted again with car keys and money. I'm afraid he will head to the nearest liquor store or bar. He may have to be confined from now on. We still have a lot of questions to answer.

Please pray that I get the information I need to make the wisest choices possible. And thank God he didn't injure or kill someone else when he drove intoxicated. December 21st, 2008 could have been even more tragic than it was.

2009-01-01T11:12:00.003-06:00

Eating greens and black-eyed peas on New Year's Day is supposed to bring good luck. Since there seems to be a shortage of that around here lately, I plan to partake at my friend Pam's house this afternoon. She called to invite me a little while ago, which immediately kicked my mood up a notch or two. BAM! See it's already working.

I enjoyed some stiff competition on the Scrabble board last night from the best competitor I've found, so far, the computer. He beat me twice, but just barely. Then I read some in my Women Who Run with the Wolves book 'til I got sleepy, so I was probably asleep before the ball fell in NYC. This book has helped me to remember who I am instinctively and what my strengths are. Living with alcoholism will wear a woman down until she forgets how to thrive. She may survive a severe wounding, but will she heal and thrive again? And it gives me great joy to say, SHE WILL!!!

I finally got around to washing laundry this morning. And I've made a to do list that includes shampooing dogs and exercising. According to one of my wise friends, Exercise is the BEST way to manage anxiety/panic without meds. I do need these reminders. Thanks, Karen!

Sometime this afternoon, I'll visit with Mike. He's so much easier to take in small doses when he's not in the same house. And when I've had enough, I can get up and leave. Plop, plop! Fizz, fizz! Oh, what a relief it is!

2008-12-31T20:22:00.003-06:00

I went to see "Marley and Me" with a friend today and thoroughly enjoyed it, even the sad ending. I sobbed aloud at the end, but I was not the only one; nobody left the theatre with dry eyes. I tried to make the most of it, since the tears don't come for me nearly as easily as they used to, and it felt so good. I wish I could have that kind of boo-hoo every time I feel really sad, but it just doesn't happen anymore.

I spent some time with Mike this evening, took him some more clothes, and assisted him with his supper. He thought one of the nurses had helped him bathe, and they may have, but another one told me he refused to do it when she suggested he should. He's usually very conscientious about bathing, not so much about shaving, but he never neglects daily bathing.

I finally got more complete information on the extent of Mike's injuries from Dr. Irby, the neuro-psychologist who has been involved intermittently with Mike's care since his stroke. He had seen the CAT scans and the intake notes. He still wants to review the discharge notes, too, before he will know how to proceed with recommendations for treatment at Methodist Rehab. It's possible that Mike could go there after this stint in the Brandon facility. One of the places in his brain that was injured regulates emotions, inhibitions, social interaction, etc. so that’s why we’re seeing behavior very similar to his alcoholic behavior even though he hasn’t had anything to drink.

New Year's Eves spent alone used to depress me, and tonight I am sorta lonesome, but it's better to be lonesome when you're the only person in the house than to be lonesome when you're not the only person in the house, right? Hope 2009 is a great year for all of us!

2008-12-30T20:30:00.002-06:00

Sure am glad every day is not as stressful as today. Skip and I got to the hospital this morning around the same time that discharge decisions were being made for Mike. He refused to cooperate with the psychiatrist who came yesterday to do an evaluation, and was giving the nurses a difficult time, so they were anxious to get rid of him.

Methodist Rehab was not an option because I would not commit to letting him come home, and insisted he enter rehab for his alcoholism after completing his treatment there. So Plan B was a Nursing and Rehab Center in Brandon. Medicare will pay for 20 days, not sure if BC/BS will pay beyond that or not. No treatment plans are in place for anything but his physical disabilities, but they were willing to take him without a firm discharge plan.

Hopefully, in the meantime, he can get started with AA and get an evaluation from one of the local treatment centers. He's still not acknowledging his dependency on alcohol, but he did take my ultimatum more seriously today than he's been taking it. Having Skip in the room with me probably helped. He didn't dare rail and curse like he's done in the past, but his "Okay, honey..." sounded like he was more interested in getting me to hush and get out of the room than in following the advice I was giving him, very patronizing and condescending. We're probably going to have to do an intervention before he is motivated to learn new coping skills.

Skip and I then went to talk to the attorney who drew up the wills and living wills and power of attorney authorizations, etc. for Mike and me. I had not seen Jimmy in years and had no idea he had personal experience with the type of dilemma that I'm currently facing, but he could not have been more attentive or solicitous. He gave me some solid advice about legal options. We touched on divorce, but I want to try a couple of other things first.

If I have to divorce Mike to preserve my physical, mental, and emotional health, I will. A panic attack woke me up around midnight last night with a pounding heart, blood pressure that had spiked and acid reflux that was choking me. I can't tolerate much more of this uncertainty and anxiety. I need some resolution and peace of mind.

Your prayers are very much appreciated. God continues to put very helpful people in my path, and for that I am very grateful.

2008-12-28T07:17:00.004-06:00

When my friend Jean had the heart attack in July and didn't die, I knew her recovery would be arduous, and it has been terribly difficult for her and all those who care for her, especially her daughter Pam. She's struggled valiantly to make a comeback and has succeeded to a certain degree. She plans to be in church this morning for the first time in several months. Then we're going to Amerigo's for lunch just like we did most every Sunday before she got sick. That's what she told me yesterday when the weather was only partly cloudy and the temperature was 75*. Today it's colder and cloudier, so I'm not sure she can manage it. She's still quite frail.

I've invited Skip to join us for lunch. He was planning to arrive around that time anyway, so putting these people all together for a meal seemed like the best idea I've had in a long time. Two of my favorite friends and my favorite cousin, that has to be a winning combination. Nothing invigorates Jean like a man's attention and he's very good at giving a woman attention, so if I get him back to my house without Jean trying to steal him, I'll be surprised.

The choir dinner last night was a quiet, low-key affair, not the raucous atmosphere our Wednesday dinners have, but that's okay. I enjoyed it. And the food was the finest I've enjoyed during this holiday season, so far. We actually ate at the home of our church's gourmet caterer. She's had a very difficult 2008, like some of the rest of us, sustaining serious burns in a kitchen fire earlier this year, but she recovered and returned to cooking a couple of months ago. I even got some green bean casserole without having to fix it myself. Is any holiday meal really complete without that? Not to me.

I visited with Mike for a short while before going to the dinner. He was in a jovial mood, but got impatient with me when I told him I did not bring his clothes. Yesterday was the first day he realized he has nothing to wear but hospital gowns. What he doesn't realize is that that is by design. It helps the hospital personnel keep him confined. He's already called this morning begging me to bring his clothes, and got so irate when I told him no, I had to hang up on him.

He keeps insisting he needs to go home. I've successfully skirted that topic, but we'll soon have to tell him he's not coming back here. I have told him a couple of times, but he acts like he doesn't remember. I'm supposed to have a conference with the social worker and a couple of his doctors in the next few days, so we can decide what our best options are. It's going to be a difficult week. Keep us in your prayers.

2008-12-27T09:34:00.001-06:00

There is something so deliciously freeing about having this house to myself. Mike's presence has always had an oppressive effect on me, and his negativity is especially draining. He comes in and wants all doors and windows closed and locked and would not mind keeping the house as dark as possible. I am the opposite. I want it open, unlocked and light. He wants TV noise on 24/7; I enjoy lots of peace and quiet. He would like to be able to control everything that goes on around here and everyone. I enjoy the ebb and flow of nature. How on earth did I ever think I could live happily with someone so different from myself?

We "celebrated" our 16th anniversary by watching 30 minutes of "Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?" Not much conversation between us except to argue about a couple of silly things. He seemed totally unaware that he has been harassing me and his friends with telephone calls in the much-too-early hours of the morning for us. I asked the nurse to unplug his phone last night and not to plug it back in until after 8 AM, but I guess they forgot. At least, he started this morning at 6:30, rather than 5:30.

He had a friend buy an anniversary card and a box of chocolate candy for me, and had actually signed the card with a sweet note. He didn't mention any of this until I got ready to leave when I asked, "Whose card and candy?" I suspect his friend Ron handled all this, since I did mention to him yesterday that it was 16 years ago when he was serving as best man in our wedding. He had called to see if there was anyway to get him to quit calling so early in the morning. I told Mike I didn't get a card for him because I did not feel much like celebrating our 16 years together. He said he understood.

Skip has decided to wait until Sunday to drive up here, should be here by the time I get out of church, so we can go to lunch, then enjoy visiting for a couple of days. Today I'm cleaning house and getting my nails done. Tonight I'm going to a choir party. Maybe before the party, I'll pay a visit to the hospital. Maybe not.

2008-12-26T13:09:00.001-06:00

Christmas Day came and went and will be remembered as an enjoyable, quiet, relaxing day. Pip enjoyed all his new toys, especially the last minute cheap stuff I grabbed at the dollar store - a set of musical instruments/noisemakers, a ping-pong gun and the candy canes.

Benji managed the transfer from Dad to Mom without incident, then he and I went to eat and to a movie. "Yes Man" with Jim Carrey was exactly what the doctor ordered for me - enough laughs to trigger the endorphins and turn around the depression that continues to drag me into the doldrums. After our hospital visit, we stopped by Sandra's so I could introduce him to my good friend from Tupelo, who happens also to be a close neighbor now. They immediately fell into a conversation that only English professors would understand.

We visited with a sleeping Mike at the hospital, unplugging his phone before we left, hoping it would prevent the 5:30 AM calls we've been getting. Alas, he discovered our mischief and plugged it back in or got a nurse to. Looks like I'll have to call the nurse tonight and get her to remove the cord, or make some arrangement so he can't continue to harass me like he's doing. He's so inconsiderate. Ron, his best friend, says he's been harassing him, too.

So far, all of Mike's friends have been very supportive of my decision to send him to rehab. They have all expressed admiration and appreciation for how long and how well I've cared for a "very difficult person." They are all tired of watching him commit suicide the slow way and had quit having much to do with him because he could never control his drinking. This probably explains why things were getting so much worse around here. He had no where else to go with his irresponsible behavior.

2008-12-25T11:34:00.007-06:00

Christmas Eve at my house was Pip's Christmas Day #1, so I spent the day here with Benji and Pip and had so much fun watching a 3 year old child be spontaneously joyful and excited about his new toys. Today he's right back at it, singing, squealing, chattering, giggling...what a beautiful blessing.

Other blessings I'm thankful for today include Mike's continued recovery. His left eye is open a wee bit, but he could not count the number of fingers correctly when the nurse tested him. The drips have been removed, and he's been out of bed and walked (with assistance) to the restroom and around his room. His mental confusion lingers, part of the time he's tuned in perfectly to what is going on around him, then he's back in his own Twilight Zone - hallucinating, forgetting, repeating. He still claims to be feeling no pain. He continues to call me to say he's being discharged and that I need to come pick him up, so he's had no trouble remembering our telephone numbers. The nurses say he's nowhere near discharge.

I've requested a psychiatric evaluation, so we can assess the amount of cognitive damage that was done, and what coping skills need to be and can be developed other than drinking. Maybe his anxiety and depression will finally be addressed.

A couple of his doctors have suggested another stint at Methodist Rehab to deal with the brain injuries. I would love to leave this problem in his lap to deal with, but for now, he's not capable of making rational decisions. He is experiencing the consequences of his drinking, which is the first step in getting him headed in a different direction. I'm not sure he will remember much about spending Christmas 2008 in the hospital, so I'm not sure that these consequences mean much to him right now.

You will notice that I use the term "experiencing the consequences" rather than "suffering the consequences." Just the thought of anyone suffering anything triggers my co-dependency and I go into rescue mode, so I don't use that word when there is another way to describe what's happening. I am having minimal contact with him to protect myself and to give me room to deal with the anger I feel, but also to increase the effect of his self-imposed alienation and isolation.
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My own coping skills include healthy and unhealthy behaviors, and I'm having to work very hard to stay on the healthy side of the fence. The unhealthy ones just lead to more pain, and my rational mind knows this, but my very needy, emotional self could so easily take me down the wrong path. Strong, healthy friends have appeared at every turn to help, so God's love and mercy have been abundant and apparent, and for that I am very thankful. Benji has agreed to stay through tonight before returning to Memphis, and Skip says he's coming tomorrow, if at all possible.
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I cried yesterday for the first time in a long time while talking to my friend Sandra. She's been with me in this episode since Sunday night, coming down to the hospital and sitting with me for several hours, then following me home to make sure I made it safely. (I drove to the hospital with the "empty gas tank" chime dinging.) You are an angel, Sandra, and I thank you and love you. (And she's a Tupelo angel, which makes her super-special to me.)
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Our Midnight Mass was magnificent with the music coming together as only God's grace can do it. The improvement that occurs between rehearsal and performance always amazes me. Mike's name got called twice last night in Prayers of the People:
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For the aged and infirm, for the widowed and orphans, and for the sick and the suffering, let us pray to the Lord. (And then all the names on the prayer list are called.)
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Lord, have mercy.
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Then when we got down to "We give thanks, O Lord, for those celebrating birthdays and anniversaries," the names Mike and Cathy Garrett got called for December 26th. Lord, have mercy, indeed.
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Benji and I enjoyed a late Christmas breakfast, Pip is still not interested in bacon, eggs, biscuits, etc, but he loves Pop-Tarts, and they are fortified with vitamins and nutrients. Later today, Benji and I will enjoy a quiet Christmas dinner at my favorite Chinese restaurant. They, the Cracker Barrel, and the C-Stores are the only things open today, well, maybe Waffle House, but I'd rather have Chinese.
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Merry Christmas to all!

2008-12-23T17:47:00.001-06:00

Mike was moved from ICU to a private room this morning. He still has a good bit of confusion, and yesterday he was vacillating from super-silliness to hostility and belligerence, with very little in-between. Today he's in his own personal Twilight Zone, told me he'd been to Madison for lunch with friends at a Chinese restaurant, and that he'd seen some people he hasn't seen in years. He still doesn't remember, or admit he remembers, what happened to him. His kneecap was dislocated, but they got it popped back into place. He was able to open his left eye some and count fingers accurately, so maybe no permanent damage was done to it. And he still claims to be feeling no pain.

I've been a little giddy with my new freedom today and all the phone calls I'm getting. Tonight the gravity of the situation is beginning to sink in. I'm headed to choir rehearsal and the dinner afterwards.

Benji and I got the tree up and decorated last night. Tonight we're playing Santa for Pip so he will have a full day and a half to play with new stuff here before he has to leave for his other grandparents in Mobile.

I really appreciate all the calls and emails from everyone. I'll try to keep you updated as new developments occur.